care to read?

It's 12.22 a.m., Thursday morning. I felt like I wanna do a vlog but since I'll be emotionally speaking in the video, lets call it a day. So, basically, Im just gonna write in here.

This day, today, just now, and right now, at the moment, I am experiencing a total mental breakdown. In the old days, I didnt even know the causes of me, being breakdown. But now, I knew it. Mix of problems and overthinking stuffs. I've never felt like this before. I dont know how to describe it, but it seems that my heart has been crumbled, my brain feels like exploding, my tears come pouring down, my body is shaking, muscle cramps, basically, everything is not fine. I wanna cry to someone's shoulder, I wanna express everything but that person is not here. That person is like so unknown?? I dont know mayn, I dont wanna tell my mom about this cause she'll be worried sick. I dont want that to happen.

1) I just got my exam result. It isnt good at all. I'm disappointed with myself. I felt stupid and dumb and slow.

2) It is just so hard to fathom and memorize the lectures, Im so slow that i cannot even understand it. And i start to cry whenever I cant digest something in the lecture notes, like just now.

3) Tomorrow is gonna be a meeting with my mentor. I dont mind, cause I wanna tell what i feel to my mentor. But, we go in groups, the mentees. I dont want that. Im the stupidest among them, so for sure I'll be terribly looking like an idiot for getting the worst result, twice (plus the previous minitest). So, i overthink about it on how am i going to avoid from going with them. I want to meet my mentor personally. It's like privacy huh??

4) Homesick strikes. I miss my mom. I miss my family. I wanna go home. I wanna forget about all these things for a while. These are just too many for me to endure. My body is getting week. My brain is getting weak.

5) Tennis competition is gonna be on Friday evening. Im not even ready. I suck at it. It pressures me a lot since everyone else is good, and im lacking in it. I look like a friggin newbie (well it's true) but im the worst. Im so scared. Im scared that ill be having panic attack. Im nervous.

6) I want people to text me good 'things' everyday. I want to be received such meaningful and good quotes, poems, or any good vibes. It helps me in enduring my day. How to tell that person in order to be doing that?

7) Im just tired of everything. My sleeping schedule is going madly crazy right now, I sleep whenever i feel tired. Even in the class, in between maghrib and isya. Everything is just so tiring.

So, to whoever has read this, I, humbly beg you guys to pray for me, to be able to endure all these things successfully. It's too much to ask, but I am in need of supports and motivation. Thanks, Asslamualaikum :)

It Will Pass

It's dark and cold

I took out my long striped pants, my old shabby long sleeves t-shirt, and a pair of Alain Delon socks

I wore them all

Earpods inserted in, music's playing, I felt calm at the moment

The sorrow went away

The pain flew away

I sang along, danced along, imagining that I was the heroine in the music video

"Oh we made quite a mess babe, It's probably better off this way", I muttered the lyrics

"And I wish I could run to you, and I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do"

This hit right in my heart

My heart skipped a beat

The feeling is surreal

I denied, and I changed the song, to stop me from overthinking

I turned off my phone, getting rid of the distraction

The evilest kind of intrusion

I took out my antibody notes

I tried to read it

"FAB region is the antigen binding site"

I thought, it's kind of easy

I continued reading

It's getting harder and harder

It seemed that I haven't learn a thing

It seemed blank

I realized, I was such a slow reader, slow learner

Everybody was 10 steps ahead of me

I was still on the first week's lecture note

And we were just getting ready to start our week 4

It knocked my heart and my conscience 

"Do I deserve to be here?"

"Do I deserve to take somebody else's place?"

I shed my tears with the end of my t-shirt's sleeves

I felt weak and delicate

I took back my cellphone

And 'All Falls Down' started to play in my head

It's midnight

I checked my notification on my cellphone

Nothing was up

I bet, perhaps it was the wifi

I refreshed again and again

Nothing

The moment that I felt down

The moment that I was at my worst

The moment that I needed help

The moment that I needed shoulder to cry on

The moment that I needed ears to spill to

No one was there 

No one asked, "How's your day?"

No one asked, "Are you okay?"

I threw away my phone

The tension was there, but I was not that strong to let it all out

I was not a fan of attention

I chose to be introverted

I remained silent 

I turned off the lights

It was my favorite part of the day

Keeping myself in my mom's cold fluffy old blanket 

Changing the fan level to the slowest

I lay down on my bed with a soft pink bed sheet on it

I tried to close my eyes

I tried

But I kept on overthinking of the consequences 

Of what would happen next

"What's next, what's next?", I murmured 

It disturbed my mind

I  got up and stood on my feet

I took my ablution

I spread my praying mat

I know it's the perfect remedy for my bad day

In the last sujood, I made dua'

I spoke my loved ones' names'

I told God how I was feeling

I told God how I was struggling 

I told God how I have been tormenting

And I told God, 

Why was I thinking this way

Why was I acting like a child

Why couldn't I remain patient

I know He would answer my prayers

Sooner or later

Thus that put me in ease

At the end of the day

I realized one thing
It was just a bad day, not a bad life
I thought, 

When we are stranded at our lowest point

The turning point is 

Get back to God

Pray and make dua'

Make dua'

And make dua'

Later I realized

God had answered my prayers one by one

I didn't even realise that

Until I tried to solve the puzzles

It was done

That was it

I might could not memorise the way that led to it

But I knew it was already done, beautifully

It shall pass

It will pass

Leaving 2017

Assalamualaikum! It's Put! :)

First off, I truly can't believe that tomorrow is seriously 2018 in which I really dont know what I'm supposed to aim. I believe that everybody has their own so-called-goals to be achieved perhaps in future, but Im not sure yet what am i looking for, next. Maybe I could recall some good and bad memories that had happened in this year so I could like improve myself or you know, just get rid of those unnecessary things and people of my life. I've been through so many ups and downs and I know Im really really strong enough that I cant even imagine that Im here, successfully getting through all this struggle and challenges. It's a lot but anyway, been there, done that. hee~

10 things I love about  '17:

1)  Being a truly adult in which I took a 5 am train from Ipoh to PJ, and I got class at 9 am, and the train has some technical problems so it took longer than I thought. So, at KL Sentral, I took the lrt alone to LRT  University, then I took an uber ALONE risking everything, and reached my uni at 9 something. Then, I got a text from my classmate the 9 am class has been cancelled. Then, I suddenly thought, Allah's plan is always, and always beautiful and perfect. Never thought that the train I took could be in a problem, but it was! But, it turned out to be like that. Felt lucky and grateful enough and I realised that I was, and still am an adult now. I did everything on my own. My mom just dropped me at the train station and didnt wait for me cause I asked for it. I think that's how my confidence was built up. Alhamdulillah, I learnt one thing at the end of the day.

2) One of the hardest part in my third semester was I had a fight like seriously, a silent treatment with my own roommie. Could you imagine, you dont talk to your roommie who stays in the same room as yours. I never imagined that before, but anyhow it happened. I swear it was really tormenting that I have to keep on being silent and it was super duper awkward. Well, girl's fight is the worst haha! But I believe that i was matured enough that I dont, you know, like posting, mocking her in any of my social medias cause I know, thats a sin. The worse is, everybody knows that youre spreading bad things about her. Nope, I didnt do that. But, less than a week, we're back together. It was in the afternoon, when we're performing zuhr prayer side by side (even though we didnt talk). So, like after dua', I hugged her and cried and said i dont want to be like this like FOR REAL, STOP TORTURING ME HAHA. Then, it was normal then lol. I think just to be good back with your friend, it just takes only one person to start it all back. As easy as that, just do it. You will regret it later if you dont start first. With that, I feel proud of myself though heee~

3) Lectures are actually fun when your classmates are all crazy and fun to be with! Alhamdulillah, my cfs classmates were all good and kind and funny and bizarre hahaha. Honestly, I really miss those moments cause they are the best people of my life. Getting to know them is really a bless for me. I could easily mix and mingle around with new people cause they're all kind. If there's an option for me to choose to travel to the past, I might choose that particular time. I couldnt state all their names here, but you are all in my mind, my heart, and my dua' insyaAllah.

4) Foundation ended there. I felt so proud of myself that I could endure all those hectic weeks and months. Alhamdulillah again. My study was quite good, my result is satisfying. That was when I decided to apply for changing my course to Medicine. Thank God, Ive been called for the interview. And I passed it! I realized that Allah's plan is always the best! I never ever thought of being a medical student, even a doctor. But, right we could never know what's gonna happen in the future. Allah has answered my prayers one by one. And this is it. My truly dream since the first day I entered my primary school. "I want to be a doctor because I like to help people", I told my teacher and all my friends when I was in standard one. The reason is cliche haha but I honestly want to help people. It feels great when you can ease people around. It feels soothing. With that, here I am in IIUM Kuantan as a first year medical student. But still, full of challenges and tests from Him. I just hope that I can patiently endure these, and be stronger and stronger to be one, Ameen.

5) I'm blessed with good friends, or should I call em' crazy besties? Yeah. My roommies are all good and they are just like me. Waji, Iman, and Yana. You break their heart, Ill break yours. lol. I aint kidding. These people where I can tell them everything, even the smallest lil stupid thing, the most embarrassing thing, the dirty secret thing, the most hambar joke, the fart that you spread, the crush, basically EVERYTHING. They will respond to it, and laugh even at the non-funny part. lmao, I could just laugh at their laughs. My classmates, especially, Anis, Laila, Nad and Fiq. Thank you so much for bringing me into your life, your circle of friends. Why are you guys so intelligent?! *cries* Thanks for helping me a lot in my study, especially anatomy and biochem. Honestly, they are not my  forte. I couldnt repay your kindness now, but InsyaAllah you guys are in my dua', always. :) Not to forget my cfs roommates, Aimi, Fatin, Tiqah, Nira, and Shaf. I swear you guys are the craziest people alive! Hahaha. Those last days that we had in cfs pj were indeed, days to remember. Crazy isnt it? One more thing, my best classmates since my first sem and up till sem 3, Nazira and Irfan. Haha? Why cant you guys go awayyyy from my life HAHAHA just kidding. Im totally grateful that you guys were always with me during my struggling phases. You guys are indeed the BEST. Thank you every single each of you. :)

6) Fam bam. Fam stands for family. I dont know whats for bam. Anyhow, of course, everybody would say 'my family is the best'. Yes, me either. Who doesnt? But, honestly I feel truly honestly blessed with mine, they are all supportive. My cousins, my uncles and aunts. Alhamdulillah. We are soooooo close that we almost share everything among us, cousins. *wanna go back home right now can ah?*. As for my cute little family, my mama. She's a strong woman, and indeed the strongest woman in the world, who raised us 4 siblings by her own. *tears welled up*. She worked very hard for all of us, to find rezq, to make us happy. I cant repay her until the end. My siblings, huaaaa I just missed every single silly thing about them *perks of being away from home*. But whatever it is, Im thankful enough for this. Alhamdulillah.

7) Friends. Friends as in 'friends'. You know who you are. I couldnt mention your name here. But, if it fits, feel free to wear. Thank you for staying with me, for cheering me up, for getting into my life, for helping me, for willing to ask "are you ok?", "you good?", "hows it going?, "what do you eat for today?", "is everything ok?", "have you eaten?". Those soothing words are all the strength and positive vibes which are the happy pills in my life. Maybe in the future or somewhere around that we may like be away from each other because of the work loads, but just so you know, we're just good, and always good. I appreciate every single thing that you do, and you are always in my dua'.

8) To my BEST BEST friends, Syikin and Syafira. MasyaAllah, Ive never met someone like you guys!!!! You guys are like my reflection. I could find me in yourselves. Wallahi, Im so happy to have you guys in my life. I know that we could hardly meet each other, but of course, Ipoh connects us HAHA. We are like 15 minutes from each other in Ipoh, so yea, it's not even a problem kan?! To my primary school fellas, Sara, Zafirah, and Najah. wow, 14 years and up till now??!!!! I cant believe it. You guys are truly my soulmates. woi can we like proceed our 'singapore/japan trip' plan back? I'm broke right now, but in five years time, InsyaAllah. haha. *please do*

9) Thank you. I'm fine.

10) I love you.

Here's a link to one of my fav songs, hope you can listen to this too :) *read through out the lyrics then you'll get it*
New Years Day - Taylor Swift

p/s: Lol, i dont have much to say actually, but anyway, Happy 2018? xoxo, Putput. :)