WHELP I'M...... BACK?!

 Hey everyone. It's been years since my last post. It's been way too long. I'm wondering too, why didn't I write here. Is it because I was so happy living my life, or is it because I was just too busy. Well I don't know. 

Today, I'm having a really bad day. With lockdown and everything, now in my campus, there's a lot of positive cases among students at the moment. I'm scared of course. And again today, we were asked to self isolate in our room. We can't go out of the building for several days. That's gonna be hell for me. I remember the last time I had quarantine at the old building in UIA itself. My mental health was just so bad. I was having mental breakdown like I cried every day, well most of the time when I was not doing anything. I don't wanna recall that moment 'cause it sucked. So, the day after tomorrow, mass testing will be done. I have to undergo swab test since we're all in a high risk group here. Not gonna lie, I'm scared but I gotta to do what I gotta do. 

That's one thing. Another thing is I'm having end of posting examination tomorrow morning for psychiatry posting. Uhm, not sure if I'm really ready, 'cause my mind is not in a right state at the moment. Too much is going on here, and I can't really focus on what I'm doing. It's dangerous because I am easily distracted by something else. I just hope I'd pass my exam tomorrow. 

Well, another contribution to this sadness is I was having a problem with my boyfriend. Literally last night. Well, I started it first. Maybe I was feeling too lonely, or maybe it's due to my menstrual thingy. Nah, I'm writing about it here because he doesn't read my blog. I've told him about it but he probably forgot that I have a blog, and he doesn't even know the link so yep. We had a fight last night about something so complicated. Well I was very sad last night so I decided to pull up the 'let's end it here' card. Probably he was so so mad that he decided to block me in all social media. So when I noticed that, I cried straightaway because I thought we were really over. I cried so bad that I felt that that was the end of everything, that was the end of my life. Never been heartbroken before, so last night was the first. And I swear I don't wanna feel that again. I was devastated, paranoid and anxious. So I called him immediately and I cried. Yup, I cried. And it was bad. Like I never cried that bad to someone, even to my friends. He sounded okay at first but started to cry afterwards. We talked and we discussed about it. It was all full with emotion, and I didn't want that to happen. But I started it first, I was the one who cried first. I told him I don't wanna leave him, and I really meant that. I don't care if he still thought about his past, or he's not really into me. But I do. Even though we haven't met (because of this pandemic), but I really look forward to see him in person. Like, I'm intrigued to see what does he really look like, like how would he behave in person. He said that too. We both wanted to meet each other. Well he preferred the traditional way of getting to know someone. But I don't mind. As long as we're sincere and loyal and we trust our significant other, that doesn't really matter. When the time comes, we will meet eventually. 

I thought about my past too sometimes. So, I understand when he told me he's still recovering from his past. I did think about mine too, but it's all gone when I decided to be in a relationship with him. I don't know. I think it's just me. It's been 2 years so I don't really remember about that. But I get him. It's still new and fresh to him so it might be a little difficult for him to get over it. It's not fair for me but I can't do anything about it. That's something that I think I'm willing to look past and adapt it. Haha it reminds me of this one song by Ben Platt, 'Grow as We Go'. It's nice. "I don't think you have to leave, if to change is what you need, you can change right next to me". Well, if only he knows that I'm willing to be that someone who'd be his company, all day all night even though I don't get enough sleep. But, I can wait if he's willing to change. 

It broke me, deeply. Honestly, I don't know what will happen next. As for now, we're talking. Maybe not as casual and as romantic as before, but I hope it will get better, we'll get better. Lastly, yes he fills a part of my heart and I do love him. We'll cross the bridge once we get to it. I know, but if it's not meant to be, well what else could I do-

Duh

Hey guys! We're back again with another episode of Put and her petty story! Haha. This time around, I want to share a lovey dovey story. Gosh, I dont have a boyfriend (yet) and I'm not in love with anyone (maybe). It's just that I think when we get closer to somebody, there will be a spark between them that brings them even closer. Gosh what the hell am I saying..

You know, sometimes you dont even know yourself, either you really like that person or it's just 'normal' when you get to know somebody more. AND I, myself is confused of my own feelings. I am like, 'come on dude, man up and make a move' yet I dont know if I'm ready too. Honestly, I'm in that phase of life where I need somebody (read: a guy) to share my story with, to share my dream and goals with and to act crazy and be myself with that somebody (not desperate). Ah you know, it's that phase of life. But I do realize maybe God decided that this is not the time for us to cross each other's path yet or maybe I need to strengthen myself first in terms of ibadah and akhlak or anything else before He sent a good man to me. Perhaps. But yeah, I had to admit that it's kinda lonely to live this way for this time being haha. Gosh I really need to stop right away.

With that being said, Assalamualaikum and I'll see yall in my next post! :D

He loves me

Hello everybody! Assalamualaikum.

Today, I went out alone to the mall to have the time of my own. At first, I was contemplating about it as it would be so lonely to eat and shopping alone (said my weak heart) but my mum said, so what? Go enjoy yourself. So, I went out eventually.... and I took a Grab to got there. So, as I was shopping alone my cousin called and asked me where I was. I said I'm in Kuantan of course. She said, ok jom jumpa. She and her family came to Kuantan actually for a short trip and they actually wanted to take me out for a while. So they fetched me there from the mall and took me to eat something outside. I was thinking how beautiful God's plan is. Always, He'd not let us to be sad. I don't have so many friends here and my close friends here are not so close like you can go anywhere with them. It's like there's a barrier and it's kinda hard. Unlike my friends back then during my foundation life and my school friends. They are much cooler? Haha different kind of friendship I guess. So yeah that explains why I prefer to hang out alone.

P/S: I'm so addicted to Lover album. And my most favourite is Lover (I cried every time I listen to it). What's yours?!

Hello guys. I decided to write a post because I'm not feeling good right now. Just a quick update, yesterday my best friend Iman came here surprising me. I just heard some knocks from my window but I was still day dreaming on the bed. Too bad, I didn't lock the window so she just like opened it and shouted at me to freaking open the door haha. Wallahi I felt like it's a dream since I was really in a deep sleep and I thought that it's absurd for her to come see me here. Apparently, she had to drive approximately 3 hours just to get here. So, it's kinda ridiculous that she made her time to see me here.

But hey! I'm in reality dude. She really did come?! I remember that I immediately cried when I hugged her because it's been so long that we haven't met each other and I missed my best friend so much. The other thing that makes me even sad is because I'm here alone without my friends. It's mainly because I have some stuffs to settle down (other people involved aren't in the same block as mine). So, I'm really alone and lonely and I really can't do anything because all I did was cry and cry. I can't say that this is an anxiety attack because I don't know. But what I feel is outrageous and sometimes it's really hard to breathe because I feel very empty and I got no one to talk about it here. So, someone's presence could make me so happy and I can breathe easily finally. Even if it's just for one day, it brought a lot of changes in my progress. I mean, it's really hard to tell. So yesterday, I didn't feel lonely and scared to sleep at night. I'm not scared of the people or the ghosts, but I'm scared of my own thoughts that it feels so empty, it's like I'm soulless. So today, she went back home, and again I'm drowning in loneliness again. I just feel so sad that I miss home, I miss my family and I miss my friends.

That was the moment where I knew that I was very weak, mentally and emotionally. But Alhamdulillah somehow along the way, He sent me good people to accompany me for awhile and distract me from darkness.

Just a post

Assalamualaikum. I just dont feel good today, like I'm having a breakdown and I am mentally and emotionally unstable. If you never feel it, you just cannot understand this situation. So hard to explain.. but what can I say, it's like you're done with everything.

I am having some problems and it's too private that I cant tell about it here. But the thing is I'm feeling so lonely now as I'm alone in the college. I feel empty so much. I cried all day all night thinking about home and family. I'm so so family-person so it's just so hard to be alone like this. I'm just very sad that I can't tell my family about it. It's embarrassing and I'm not the one who really tells all her stories to her mum. Till then