It Will Pass

It's dark and cold

I took out my long striped pants, my old shabby long sleeves t-shirt, and a pair of Alain Delon socks

I wore them all

Earpods inserted in, music's playing, I felt calm at the moment

The sorrow went away

The pain flew away

I sang along, danced along, imagining that I was the heroine in the music video

"Oh we made quite a mess babe, It's probably better off this way", I muttered the lyrics

"And I wish I could run to you, and I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do"

This hit right in my heart

My heart skipped a beat

The feeling is surreal

I denied, and I changed the song, to stop me from overthinking

I turned off my phone, getting rid of the distraction

The evilest kind of intrusion

I took out my antibody notes

I tried to read it

"FAB region is the antigen binding site"

I thought, it's kind of easy

I continued reading

It's getting harder and harder

It seemed that I haven't learn a thing

It seemed blank

I realized, I was such a slow reader, slow learner

Everybody was 10 steps ahead of me

I was still on the first week's lecture note

And we were just getting ready to start our week 4

It knocked my heart and my conscience 

"Do I deserve to be here?"

"Do I deserve to take somebody else's place?"

I shed my tears with the end of my t-shirt's sleeves

I felt weak and delicate

I took back my cellphone

And 'All Falls Down' started to play in my head

It's midnight

I checked my notification on my cellphone

Nothing was up

I bet, perhaps it was the wifi

I refreshed again and again

Nothing

The moment that I felt down

The moment that I was at my worst

The moment that I needed help

The moment that I needed shoulder to cry on

The moment that I needed ears to spill to

No one was there 

No one asked, "How's your day?"

No one asked, "Are you okay?"

I threw away my phone

The tension was there, but I was not that strong to let it all out

I was not a fan of attention

I chose to be introverted

I remained silent 

I turned off the lights

It was my favorite part of the day

Keeping myself in my mom's cold fluffy old blanket 

Changing the fan level to the slowest

I lay down on my bed with a soft pink bed sheet on it

I tried to close my eyes

I tried

But I kept on overthinking of the consequences 

Of what would happen next

"What's next, what's next?", I murmured 

It disturbed my mind

I  got up and stood on my feet

I took my ablution

I spread my praying mat

I know it's the perfect remedy for my bad day

In the last sujood, I made dua'

I spoke my loved ones' names'

I told God how I was feeling

I told God how I was struggling 

I told God how I have been tormenting

And I told God, 

Why was I thinking this way

Why was I acting like a child

Why couldn't I remain patient

I know He would answer my prayers

Sooner or later

Thus that put me in ease

At the end of the day

I realized one thing
It was just a bad day, not a bad life
I thought, 

When we are stranded at our lowest point

The turning point is 

Get back to God

Pray and make dua'

Make dua'

And make dua'

Later I realized

God had answered my prayers one by one

I didn't even realise that

Until I tried to solve the puzzles

It was done

That was it

I might could not memorise the way that led to it

But I knew it was already done, beautifully

It shall pass

It will pass

Leaving 2017

Assalamualaikum! It's Put! :)

First off, I truly can't believe that tomorrow is seriously 2018 in which I really dont know what I'm supposed to aim. I believe that everybody has their own so-called-goals to be achieved perhaps in future, but Im not sure yet what am i looking for, next. Maybe I could recall some good and bad memories that had happened in this year so I could like improve myself or you know, just get rid of those unnecessary things and people of my life. I've been through so many ups and downs and I know Im really really strong enough that I cant even imagine that Im here, successfully getting through all this struggle and challenges. It's a lot but anyway, been there, done that. hee~

10 things I love about  '17:

1)  Being a truly adult in which I took a 5 am train from Ipoh to PJ, and I got class at 9 am, and the train has some technical problems so it took longer than I thought. So, at KL Sentral, I took the lrt alone to LRT  University, then I took an uber ALONE risking everything, and reached my uni at 9 something. Then, I got a text from my classmate the 9 am class has been cancelled. Then, I suddenly thought, Allah's plan is always, and always beautiful and perfect. Never thought that the train I took could be in a problem, but it was! But, it turned out to be like that. Felt lucky and grateful enough and I realised that I was, and still am an adult now. I did everything on my own. My mom just dropped me at the train station and didnt wait for me cause I asked for it. I think that's how my confidence was built up. Alhamdulillah, I learnt one thing at the end of the day.

2) One of the hardest part in my third semester was I had a fight like seriously, a silent treatment with my own roommie. Could you imagine, you dont talk to your roommie who stays in the same room as yours. I never imagined that before, but anyhow it happened. I swear it was really tormenting that I have to keep on being silent and it was super duper awkward. Well, girl's fight is the worst haha! But I believe that i was matured enough that I dont, you know, like posting, mocking her in any of my social medias cause I know, thats a sin. The worse is, everybody knows that youre spreading bad things about her. Nope, I didnt do that. But, less than a week, we're back together. It was in the afternoon, when we're performing zuhr prayer side by side (even though we didnt talk). So, like after dua', I hugged her and cried and said i dont want to be like this like FOR REAL, STOP TORTURING ME HAHA. Then, it was normal then lol. I think just to be good back with your friend, it just takes only one person to start it all back. As easy as that, just do it. You will regret it later if you dont start first. With that, I feel proud of myself though heee~

3) Lectures are actually fun when your classmates are all crazy and fun to be with! Alhamdulillah, my cfs classmates were all good and kind and funny and bizarre hahaha. Honestly, I really miss those moments cause they are the best people of my life. Getting to know them is really a bless for me. I could easily mix and mingle around with new people cause they're all kind. If there's an option for me to choose to travel to the past, I might choose that particular time. I couldnt state all their names here, but you are all in my mind, my heart, and my dua' insyaAllah.

4) Foundation ended there. I felt so proud of myself that I could endure all those hectic weeks and months. Alhamdulillah again. My study was quite good, my result is satisfying. That was when I decided to apply for changing my course to Medicine. Thank God, Ive been called for the interview. And I passed it! I realized that Allah's plan is always the best! I never ever thought of being a medical student, even a doctor. But, right we could never know what's gonna happen in the future. Allah has answered my prayers one by one. And this is it. My truly dream since the first day I entered my primary school. "I want to be a doctor because I like to help people", I told my teacher and all my friends when I was in standard one. The reason is cliche haha but I honestly want to help people. It feels great when you can ease people around. It feels soothing. With that, here I am in IIUM Kuantan as a first year medical student. But still, full of challenges and tests from Him. I just hope that I can patiently endure these, and be stronger and stronger to be one, Ameen.

5) I'm blessed with good friends, or should I call em' crazy besties? Yeah. My roommies are all good and they are just like me. Waji, Iman, and Yana. You break their heart, Ill break yours. lol. I aint kidding. These people where I can tell them everything, even the smallest lil stupid thing, the most embarrassing thing, the dirty secret thing, the most hambar joke, the fart that you spread, the crush, basically EVERYTHING. They will respond to it, and laugh even at the non-funny part. lmao, I could just laugh at their laughs. My classmates, especially, Anis, Laila, Nad and Fiq. Thank you so much for bringing me into your life, your circle of friends. Why are you guys so intelligent?! *cries* Thanks for helping me a lot in my study, especially anatomy and biochem. Honestly, they are not my  forte. I couldnt repay your kindness now, but InsyaAllah you guys are in my dua', always. :) Not to forget my cfs roommates, Aimi, Fatin, Tiqah, Nira, and Shaf. I swear you guys are the craziest people alive! Hahaha. Those last days that we had in cfs pj were indeed, days to remember. Crazy isnt it? One more thing, my best classmates since my first sem and up till sem 3, Nazira and Irfan. Haha? Why cant you guys go awayyyy from my life HAHAHA just kidding. Im totally grateful that you guys were always with me during my struggling phases. You guys are indeed the BEST. Thank you every single each of you. :)

6) Fam bam. Fam stands for family. I dont know whats for bam. Anyhow, of course, everybody would say 'my family is the best'. Yes, me either. Who doesnt? But, honestly I feel truly honestly blessed with mine, they are all supportive. My cousins, my uncles and aunts. Alhamdulillah. We are soooooo close that we almost share everything among us, cousins. *wanna go back home right now can ah?*. As for my cute little family, my mama. She's a strong woman, and indeed the strongest woman in the world, who raised us 4 siblings by her own. *tears welled up*. She worked very hard for all of us, to find rezq, to make us happy. I cant repay her until the end. My siblings, huaaaa I just missed every single silly thing about them *perks of being away from home*. But whatever it is, Im thankful enough for this. Alhamdulillah.

7) Friends. Friends as in 'friends'. You know who you are. I couldnt mention your name here. But, if it fits, feel free to wear. Thank you for staying with me, for cheering me up, for getting into my life, for helping me, for willing to ask "are you ok?", "you good?", "hows it going?, "what do you eat for today?", "is everything ok?", "have you eaten?". Those soothing words are all the strength and positive vibes which are the happy pills in my life. Maybe in the future or somewhere around that we may like be away from each other because of the work loads, but just so you know, we're just good, and always good. I appreciate every single thing that you do, and you are always in my dua'.

8) To my BEST BEST friends, Syikin and Syafira. MasyaAllah, Ive never met someone like you guys!!!! You guys are like my reflection. I could find me in yourselves. Wallahi, Im so happy to have you guys in my life. I know that we could hardly meet each other, but of course, Ipoh connects us HAHA. We are like 15 minutes from each other in Ipoh, so yea, it's not even a problem kan?! To my primary school fellas, Sara, Zafirah, and Najah. wow, 14 years and up till now??!!!! I cant believe it. You guys are truly my soulmates. woi can we like proceed our 'singapore/japan trip' plan back? I'm broke right now, but in five years time, InsyaAllah. haha. *please do*

9) Thank you. I'm fine.

10) I love you.

Here's a link to one of my fav songs, hope you can listen to this too :) *read through out the lyrics then you'll get it*
New Years Day - Taylor Swift

p/s: Lol, i dont have much to say actually, but anyway, Happy 2018? xoxo, Putput. :)

Random 101

I had a mental breakdown when i was reading the breakup scene in To All the Boys Ive Loved Before. I swear, it hit me right in my heart cause i can feel it well. It seems like Im that girl, and losing the guy that i love is painful. lol Who's that guy? Peter Kavinsky he is. Finally, I have read all the series and I will do my very own book review soon ;)

So, yea. writing about the book is mainly about how do i feel, my sorrow, my agony, my jealousy and all when they break up. lmao, my heart felt like it has been stabbed with tons of needles when i read it. Have you ever felt that? Or is it just me who are too much enjoying her reading? Haha. My mom once mocked me for over reacting by just reading novels. I guess that's my real passion. 

So, what exactly did i feel is, i feel the pain and sorrow in the girl. Well, the thing is she's the one who wanted to break up but of course, it's because she's in disappointment! The thing that makes me so down is because the guy, Peter is such a genuine, humble and perfect guy. Thus i feel like that's her worst decision ever. Like hell i am so used to know someone like this. The fact that she went through all the weeks without talking to the guy, even though they're classmates in their high school, but still, nope, I can relate that to myself. No, never been in a relationship before but i do felt how is it like to distance yourself from someone special. 

Some may say that why are you exaggerating? lol I got no answer for that. It's our natural response. Metaphorically, it is involuntary action. (not a fact though). Haha. So yea 

It takes two to tango. But i just have one. So, I need to call it a day. 

I've just read a thread on Twitter about a girl, she found her way back to her first love after 6 years of breaking up! Wow! That's a miracle. Jodoh it is. It doesnt matter even if you dont expect at all to be with someone, the fate will take you to the path. I'm so impressed by her story because it is so spontaneous. She told there that she cannot forget him since then, she almost gave up but suddenly, a rainbow came after the dark storm. It's beautifully written isnt it? You just cannot lose hope. Pray to Him. (Same in my case lol). The right one is still fresh in my mind but losing contact for 2 years already. I might not know my future, but hoping isnt a sin right. 

Phew. Whatever it is, I will start my degree in September soon. More happy years to come, more challenges to face, more loves to earn! 

My Kind of Nightmare

Hi guys! Assalamualaikum! Here I am at home! Finally, Alhamdulillah, it feels so good to be back here. Out of drama, out of stupid problem. Lit gila weh.   

First off, i wanna tell you guys my story. What had happened to me for the last three days in my college. Personally, I think this is not because of the college itself, but it's due to myself who have tried to dig into it. 

The very first issue is, in the morning of the 3rd last day, my roommate told me about last night. Well, actually i didnt even realise about it. Tapi, bila kawan aku bagitahu, aku dah start rasa lain. Here's the thing, she told me that aku mengigau lama pukul 4 pagi macam tu. Aku cakap, "minta maaf, jangan kacauuu etc". She couldnt hear every words that i said but lebih kurang macam tu. Dia kata lagi, it occured for a quite long time. Honestly, aku tak pernah mengigau waktu tidur, i never had sleepwalking, never ever in my entire life i spoke while sleeping. It is weird like legit! 

So, I tried to recall what happened actually. Oh right then. I just thought that it might be due to a thread on twitter that i've followed since then. I would read his creepy true story every day when he updated. It's like my routine. They're true stories, so i was interested in them. Just to tell you guys, I am so into horror stories, movies or whatever that's related to it. In fact, my entire family are into these kinda movies. We like to watch them in cinema. But you know, when I'm reading the thread, I dont feel anything. I feel normal. But, without realizing it, it affected my sleep. 

At night on the same day, I slept outside of my room. It is kinda a house and there're a few rooms. So yep, at that night, I stayed outside with a roommate. What I did was, just reading on Wattpad while laying down and my roommate was watching a movie. At about 2 am, I heard something. It was like the sound of orang main-main dengan kerusi plastik, like kerusi plastik warna putih tu kan. Yep, bunyi orang seret kerusi banyak kali. Okay.... maybe bilik sebelah tengah study kot sebab my entire roommates dah tidur except for both of us. Then, benda tu continuously bunyi-bunyi and agak kuat. So, i looked at my roommate and asked her, do you hear that. She nodded and continued watching her movie. *sigh* I tak patut tegur. So, I was the last one to sleep at that night cause of the Wattpad stuff! *annoyed* Dalam pukul 3 pagi macam tu, I tried to sleep, but it's kinda hard sebab I kept on imagining things. But, a few minutes lepas tu, I managed to.


On the next day, we all slept outside again, but this time, all of us. We took out the mattress like it was a slumber party ey. I slept early compared to them. Tapi, tiba-tiba aku terjaga dalam pukul 1 macam tu. Aku rasa panas sangat, and i was sweating as heck. Wallahi, i felt uneasy, dengan nyamuknya, panasnya, sumpah tak boleh tidur. I tried so hard to keep my eyes close but it's getting harder. Macam ada benda paksa nak bukak jugak mata tu. Not long after that, aku dengar bunyi gelang loceng. But, samar-samar and rasa macam jauh lah jugak bunyi tu. Aku dah cuak dah sebab dalam thread yang aku baca dekat twitter tu, ada pasal bunyi gelang kaki etc. Bro, :') That's not funny. Lama jugaklah aku try nak tidur. Finally, boleh jugak.


Now, this is the climax of this story. I AM SO WEAK I TELL YOU GUYS. Malam terakhir ni, memang aku tidur last sekali sebab aku tengah study. Yup, semua orang tidur luar malam tu. So, pukul 1, aku stop and aku baring terus, try nak tidur. As usual, the weird insomnia came creeping in. I never had insomnia before. Aku tengok video kat youtube, aku main game as distractions sebab tak boleh tidur. Tapi, aku rasa badan dan mata aku penat, plus esok ada exam Chem. So, i really needed to sleep. My conscience wasnt stable at that time because I started to imagine things. I felt there was something watching me, i dont know from where. But I felt that. Then, aku try nak tidur and pejam mata, still tak boleh. Aku terus selubung dalam selimut sebab I dont wanna see what's happening outside. Aku rasa dalam setengah jam jugak lah. I could feel that my entire body was sweating like LEGIT. My pajamas were all bathed in sweats! Rasanya first time aku berpeluh teruk macam tu and i was shaking.. Disebabkan tak tahan panas, aku keluar dari selimut, but still with eyes closed. I'm not ready to face the truth, honestly. Suddenly, aku dengar lagi bunyi gelang loceng, and this time makin kuat and makin dekat. God, sumpah i felt like crying and rasa nak kejut diaorang tapi aku rasa takut nak bergerak and bukak mata. Not so long after that, aku dengar bunyi pintu bukak tutup kuat sangat and lama jugak. okay, since malam tu it was kinda windy and tingkap memang terbukak, it might be the reason why. But, I tell you all, this kind of thing never hapened to us before. Even bukak tingkap macam mana pun, not even once bunyi dia kuat and lama macam tu. Ayat kursi aku baca, 3 kul pun aku baca. Nasib baik lancar, takdelah lupa-lupa ke apa. Aku bertahan macam tu tanpa tidur sampai pukul 4 pagi. Itu pun sebab one of my roommates bangun tidur. Lepas tu, aku pun bangun sebab memang tak boleh tidur? I did some reading saje-saje dekat meja study. Oh fyi, my study stable was just beside the balcony in which its sliding doors cant be closed. They're stuck and broken actually. So, dengan terbukak nya macam tu, ko rasa khusyuk tak? Of course tak :') Whatever it is, aku try tidur balik pukul 4 lebih. Alhamdulillah, I got to. Tapi, memang tak cukup tidur, and mata aku sakit pagi tu plus ada exam :) Nah but all is well. 

Oh, there's one more thing. Bunyi gelang kaki tu maybe bayangan aku je. Tapi, bila aku cerita dekat semua roommates aku pagi tu, one of them told me, yang dia dah biasa dengar dah bunyi tu malam-malam. So..... I guess it is a yes? (im not having an imagination guys!) :p

So, yeah that's my story. Tapi, bila balik rumah. Tak ada apa-apa lah. Maybe sebab tempat kot? Wallahualam. I think that's all for tonight. I'll update soon!

crush that crush

HI GUYSSSSSSS. Guess what? I just came back from my night class. And this class is one of my fav ones cause i like this subject and my classmates are funny and cool. You would laugh every single moment cause of their bizarre acts haha. 

But the thing is, Im into GREEN today! yeah cause baby your soul could never grow old as evergreen....... You are ed sheeran to my heart HAHA kidding. So, I wore green today and of course, there's someone who donned in green as well. I mean the exact kinda green, the same tone. U ada? I ada haha.  I was like building my own castle in the air. But theres no prince charming????? LOL

OK i think i fell in love again for the infinity time. haha no. I mean, like in this real world. Come on, Ive so many crush in the tv but it's virtual for me please. But now, it's real. But yea, all i could do is stay quiet and do nothing cause it is the way it is. I like it that way. 

lol im just kidding about 'falling in love' one. I dont know my own feeling but you know, when you meet someone, he would cross ur mind multiple times or they would make a wound in your heart or else he would not leave any scar or mark on you so you gotta be prepared for all these possibilities. Make dua' and don;t lose hope hehe. Assalamualaikum and good night!