Late Night Thought 1

Late night thought: I hate everyone who doesn’t appreciate me and my effort and just act normal and it still looks abnormal to me and I hate every inch of you, it’s probably because I’m having mood swing but whatever you still suck. I hate that I always expect more and more and it always turn out to be bad. I’m legit mad and sad but more to the sad mad but mad>sad. I’M SO MAD. But guess what? I could do nothing. I just hope God will give me continuous patience to really bear with these bunch of people till the rest of my life. Couldn’t ask for more. In need of patience and patience. Till then.

Mad

Hi guys. Sorry that I took a really long time to update. *as if I have so many fans* Anyhow, I'm back again with a new oneeeeee.

Now, if you're mad over something, what would you do? Telling someone? Write it up? Or just keep it to yourself? If it's me, I prefer to express in through writing. Writing is so powerful that it could completely express the whole feeling of mine, about every single details. So, stating the obvious, I'm currently mad, like so so mad over something, over a person. Of course I wouldn't tell him/her because I just don't want to make it worse. It's okay if only me who bears it, who holds it, alone. I just prefer that way. But little do you know, if it's repetitive, I'm just very tired to hold it. Like just now, I couldn't hold it any longer. I almost exploded but I quickly performed my prayer and made dua' to Allah. I know the only One that can relieve the pain is Him, the Almighty.

Sometimes, I underestimate the power of dua'. I underestimate Allah's power to change, to sort everything. Instead, I chose to cry and question and regret. I hate myself for being that way. I don't know. When I'm mad over someone, it affects my whole mood and you know what do I do? I choose to ignore them and stay quiet for that time being until I'm okay back and until my bad mood recovered. I'm scared that if I talk when I'm in anger, it will worsen. So yea, it's so so hard for me. I'm weak. I can't fake it.

Speaking of me, I hate it that I'm the only who always understand and notice their feelings and they do not do the same thing to me. I hate it that they rarely notice my changes in behaviour and mood like how I'm always aware of theirs. It sucks you know. Sometimes, I wish that I don't have feelings. I'm so easily offended over something. Even it's a small petty thing. But sure, it hits me right in the heart. My bro told me once that I'm so fragile. Haha. True. Literally and emotionally fragile. One day. my bro just touched me a little on the arm, but I felt so annoyed and it turned out that I felt pain on my arm. Since then, he always call me fragile. Emotionally? Oh yes, I easily cried, be it painful tears or happy tears. My gland is working very well haha.

So yea, that's it! I think I'm okay now. At least for now. I just hope that I'm gonna be really really strong and not to be affected easily by something unimportant and irrelevant. Till then, I'll catch you up soon with my next post. Bye! Assalamualaikum.

Year 2 whaddup?

Salam guys!!

I know I sound so excited. 'Cause you know what? I passed year 1 and made to year 2!!! I took a really long time to write this because I wanted to feel this new year vibe, like really enjoying it. The time that I knew about it was so unexpected because I was at home, chilling like a villain. Yes, chilling guys, I wasn't studying.

First off, Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah. I felt so relieved, so blessed, so happy! Being promoted to year 2 is not something easy, but it wouldn't ever stop me from pursuing medicine if I didn't get promoted. We all feel sad at first, but giving up is an option. It's not the only choice. That's why I was so mentally prepared with failure as I've been there. Nonetheless, with dua and little effort, Allah made it. On the same day, I told my my mom the truth that I failed my first exam. I thought she would be sad of my result but hell no. Yes, she did feel sad but that's because she told me how strong I was to endure that alone, without telling her. Yes babe, I felt so down at that particular moment, I was at my worst, I've no confidence, I was suffering.

You know what? I'm not going to tell her after this too 'cause she'd be worrying sick haha. Now, it's my third day on year 2 and wallahi, it's so hard like I cried literally.... Pbl session was even tougher. I just hope that I'd have enough time to cope with everything and dear brain, please work faster. Pray for me everyone :-)

Raya Mode ONNNN

Assalamualaikum everyone!

Don't ask me where I am. 'Cause I'm still struggling here in my uni preparing mentally and physically for the upcoming finals right after eid, which is on 26th of June. Prepared enough? Nah, only God knows how nervous I am. Still, earlier today, I felt like puking and stuffs because I've digested medical facts too much. Spirochetes is more like spiroshits. Whatever it is, forget about study for a while.

Luckily, I don't feel homesick at all. It's just that I'm just patiently waiting for raya. Oh, most of my friends have already went to their hometown because our class officially finished. But as for me, I don't even think I'd be studying at home. Thinking of doing house chores, baking kuih raya, raya preparation, it's all tiring and for sure, I'd not even touch my lecture notes. That is why I planned of going back a little bit late. But it's totally fine. It's cool here, it's all quiet, and calming, and satisfying. I could sing as loud as I want, dancing on my own, taking shower in a completely clean bathroom, karaoke in the shower, listening to the music as lunatic as it be.

Guess what? I only have one baju raya because I basically don't have much time for that. Probably on the second day of raya, I'll be locking my self in my room, studying. Call me geek, but I live for this. This is my choice, and it will be like this till the rest of my life. *crying to see my future*. Nonetheless, InsyaAllah it will be good, like real good! Have faith Put!

Talking about current obsession, I easily get attached to movies and stuffs. Right now, everyone including me is kinda hype about Samarinda Nur on tv3. Lol, been watching 4 episodes in a day just to catch up with the current episode. It's a very good drama because it portrays a real situation, a real judgemental mentality of people nowadays. Being those holier-than-thou, pious people, it doesn't mean that y'all are guaranteed to enter the paradise, and being a daughter of a prostitute, it is not even written on her fate that being in hell is her ending. Because what? People only judge on what they see and they listen. They don't even see the good ones praying, they don't even see the munafik ones doing some gigolo stuffs at the lorong. (Based on the drama). So yea. You can't judge people easily.

Talking about being judgemental, I have a few friends whom I feel uncomfortable to get attached to. They basically always have a bad thought on people that they dislike. And they assume things that they're not sure about. Imagine being a listener to that stuffs, 1) you can ignore it but your friends must be annoyed with you, acting angelic out of sudden or 2) you had to agree everything that your friends say. I've always stuck in between. I don't wanna be labelled as  'bajet alim' and also, I don't wanna join into their 'discussion' on judging people. But little do you know, I'm far from hurting anyone's feeling, so I just keep quiet when they talk, and I don't even say yes or no. I think that's the best?
No, that's not the way. Stop doing that and try not to even participate in the conversation. InsyaAllah, together we avoid on being talking bad about people around. It's like eating your own friends' flesh and blood. Nauzubillahminzalik.

Back to Nur drama, I suggest you to watch it since it's so good, so meaningful for me. I even cried in some episodes. P/s: I easily cry so yea.

Last but not least, Selamat Hari Raya in advance! Maaf zahir dan batin.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Hi everyone! Assalamualaikum.

I’m stealing my time just to write a post on how honestly, genuinely I feel about having a mom who’s just beyond perfect, which is the best person in the world.

From little, I always have this thought in my mind. I wanna be exactly like mama when I grow older, I wanna be a lecturer just like her, I wanna be just as strong as her, I wanna walk and drive like her. ‘Cause you know what? Everything about her is just too perfect, wallahi.

Growing up in a moderate family is a bless I would say. But never ever in front of us, my mom would   sigh and complain about her job, her problem. I never see that in her. But deep down I knew, she’s in trouble. We went ups and downs together. Even if it was the very worst of ‘downs’ happening, she would never give up and discourage us, kids. In every problem that occured, she bravely endure it without involving us, I really saw the protective side of her that shows that she’s very selfless. Later I thought, why would something bad happen to good person like her.

Talking about priorities, she really put a high hope on us in education. She doesn’t want no. 3 in class, she doesn’t want 80/100, but she wants a perfect score. Since kindergarten, we had been taught on being competitive healthily. I remember that there was this one time where I entered a coloring competition. I didnt have color pencils and I didnt tell my parents about it. I didnt want to cause I thought that it was not that important. On the competition day, when we arrived there, mom knew about it and there was no time to buy one plus it was really early in the morning. Putting the feeling of embarrassment aside, she asked and borrowed some color pencils from a stranger next to me. We didnt even know them yet she took all her courage to do that just for me to finish the competition. I knew deep inside, who on earth would do that, knowing that it is a bloody coloring competiton so why wouldnt this bloody kid bring one. But well, my mom did it. I didnt remember wheter i won it or not but that doesnt matter. What matter is how my mom cope with that.

Reminiscing about high school, i remember that when i was in form 1, i was in a science residential school which is like 2 hours away from home. Just on the first day, i felt homesick as heck that i cried every time i performed my prayer, every time before i went to sleep, every time when i called my mom using that damn old public phone. It was really torturing cause that’s the first time i was being away from home. Because of that, my mom came every week just to visit me and pamper this stupid spoiled brat who only knew to complain everything and ask for many stupid things. I was really childish at that time. I forced my mom to come to my school on every week without even thinking about her time and priorities, without even thinking the money that she had to spend for me, without even thinking on how tiring that she had to drive by herself. Wallahi, she never complaint that to me. Never. I made a rebel once cause i wanna go out of that school so bad. I hate the environment cause it was toxic. Had been mentally bullied by some seniors and ive received a chain letter from my own roommate. It was very tormenting. It only lasted for 7 months cause my mom brought me out finally. It was damn hard at that time just to transfer me out of that school. The procedure was too complicated. But my mom never failed to fulfill my needs and even go up to the office almost everyday to settle down about my school issues. I aint a problematic kid, my attitude and performance was good, it’s just that i cant cope with the environment. Thats that.

Reaching ramadan, i remember she would wake up as early as 4.30 am just to cook something for sahur. We could just eat something light but nope, she would prepare at least one kind of dish for us. Have we, kids ever help her in the kitchen? Nope. We, lazy ass only knew how to eat when we’ve been patiently woken up by mom. Preparing for iftar? Ahaa we only knew how to ask and ask. Mom’s an angel. She’s indeed a besutiful angel.

Having family crisis? That’s normal. I didnt want to elaborate more on this but just so you know, she really had a hard time once with my dad. I just wanna highlight on how strong is she to really endure and fight and protect her family. Im glad that now she found her happiness. I think it’s time for me, as her child, as her first daughter to put aside all my negative thinking, my feeling and sacrifice something for her in which she’s having now. I’m happy for my mom. Thinking as an adult, we all want to be happy with our partner, we dont want to grow old alone and reaching the dead line alone, thus i really understand that. We, as children have no right to give our preferences on what should our parents do. They’re the ones who should decide.

Last but not least, there are so many things that my mom has done for me and my siblings. Wallahi, i cannot repay with anything but dua’ for the best in dunya and the akhirah. I just realized that when im being away from my mom, it was really scary to not knowing whats happening at home. But when im there, i dont really appreciate it. Some of the things that she always reminds me;
do not ever hate people even if they do bad to us, so just do good and do good cause life is short. With that, happy mother’s day mama. Im sad that im not with you right now but my dua is always with you.