saD

You know when you're feeling sad without reasons? YES. I've been constantly reminding myself that when it happens, just remember that it's time of the month. It means that you are heading to your menstrual period. And when I checked the calendar, it's effing true. I hate myself during that time. I'm so emotionally unstable. Please love me more :(

Back at it again

Hi guys. I am super duper tired  as I was just back from tennis training. Guess what? I joined this year’s inter batch game again...... And also, I realized that I suck at playing it. I guess it just isn’t my forte. Just now, I played so bad like a total newbie. You know what did I feel just now? It was so heartbreaking as it didn’t turn out well. I felt so sad and I wanted to cry out loud. I felt like a burden to them. I’m so scared for the upcoming game. God knows how nervous and embarrassed I am. I don’t know what else could I do to improve myself. But yea, imagine that I haven’t played for like a year and then I made a bad comeback. Lol I highkey think that I shouldn’t join at the first place. I should just give this chance to other person. Oh well I think I’m just gonna cry for the rest of the night and tomorrow morning, I’ll be back training. Till then. Brb *crying.

Late Night Thought 1

Late night thought: I hate everyone who doesn’t appreciate me and my effort and just act normal and it still looks abnormal to me and I hate every inch of you, it’s probably because I’m having mood swing but whatever you still suck. I hate that I always expect more and more and it always turn out to be bad. I’m legit mad and sad but more to the sad mad but mad>sad. I’M SO MAD. But guess what? I could do nothing. I just hope God will give me continuous patience to really bear with these bunch of people till the rest of my life. Couldn’t ask for more. In need of patience and patience. Till then.

Mad

Hi guys. Sorry that I took a really long time to update. *as if I have so many fans* Anyhow, I'm back again with a new oneeeeee.

Now, if you're mad over something, what would you do? Telling someone? Write it up? Or just keep it to yourself? If it's me, I prefer to express in through writing. Writing is so powerful that it could completely express the whole feeling of mine, about every single details. So, stating the obvious, I'm currently mad, like so so mad over something, over a person. Of course I wouldn't tell him/her because I just don't want to make it worse. It's okay if only me who bears it, who holds it, alone. I just prefer that way. But little do you know, if it's repetitive, I'm just very tired to hold it. Like just now, I couldn't hold it any longer. I almost exploded but I quickly performed my prayer and made dua' to Allah. I know the only One that can relieve the pain is Him, the Almighty.

Sometimes, I underestimate the power of dua'. I underestimate Allah's power to change, to sort everything. Instead, I chose to cry and question and regret. I hate myself for being that way. I don't know. When I'm mad over someone, it affects my whole mood and you know what do I do? I choose to ignore them and stay quiet for that time being until I'm okay back and until my bad mood recovered. I'm scared that if I talk when I'm in anger, it will worsen. So yea, it's so so hard for me. I'm weak. I can't fake it.

Speaking of me, I hate it that I'm the only who always understand and notice their feelings and they do not do the same thing to me. I hate it that they rarely notice my changes in behaviour and mood like how I'm always aware of theirs. It sucks you know. Sometimes, I wish that I don't have feelings. I'm so easily offended over something. Even it's a small petty thing. But sure, it hits me right in the heart. My bro told me once that I'm so fragile. Haha. True. Literally and emotionally fragile. One day. my bro just touched me a little on the arm, but I felt so annoyed and it turned out that I felt pain on my arm. Since then, he always call me fragile. Emotionally? Oh yes, I easily cried, be it painful tears or happy tears. My gland is working very well haha.

So yea, that's it! I think I'm okay now. At least for now. I just hope that I'm gonna be really really strong and not to be affected easily by something unimportant and irrelevant. Till then, I'll catch you up soon with my next post. Bye! Assalamualaikum.

Year 2 whaddup?

Salam guys!!

I know I sound so excited. 'Cause you know what? I passed year 1 and made to year 2!!! I took a really long time to write this because I wanted to feel this new year vibe, like really enjoying it. The time that I knew about it was so unexpected because I was at home, chilling like a villain. Yes, chilling guys, I wasn't studying.

First off, Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah. I felt so relieved, so blessed, so happy! Being promoted to year 2 is not something easy, but it wouldn't ever stop me from pursuing medicine if I didn't get promoted. We all feel sad at first, but giving up is an option. It's not the only choice. That's why I was so mentally prepared with failure as I've been there. Nonetheless, with dua and little effort, Allah made it. On the same day, I told my my mom the truth that I failed my first exam. I thought she would be sad of my result but hell no. Yes, she did feel sad but that's because she told me how strong I was to endure that alone, without telling her. Yes babe, I felt so down at that particular moment, I was at my worst, I've no confidence, I was suffering.

You know what? I'm not going to tell her after this too 'cause she'd be worrying sick haha. Now, it's my third day on year 2 and wallahi, it's so hard like I cried literally.... Pbl session was even tougher. I just hope that I'd have enough time to cope with everything and dear brain, please work faster. Pray for me everyone :-)