Hey everyone. It's been years since my last post. It's been way too long. I'm wondering too, why didn't I write here. Is it because I was so happy living my life, or is it because I was just too busy. Well I don't know.
Today, I'm having a really bad day. With lockdown and everything, now in my campus, there's a lot of positive cases among students at the moment. I'm scared of course. And again today, we were asked to self isolate in our room. We can't go out of the building for several days. That's gonna be hell for me. I remember the last time I had quarantine at the old building in UIA itself. My mental health was just so bad. I was having mental breakdown like I cried every day, well most of the time when I was not doing anything. I don't wanna recall that moment 'cause it sucked. So, the day after tomorrow, mass testing will be done. I have to undergo swab test since we're all in a high risk group here. Not gonna lie, I'm scared but I gotta to do what I gotta do.
That's one thing. Another thing is I'm having end of posting examination tomorrow morning for psychiatry posting. Uhm, not sure if I'm really ready, 'cause my mind is not in a right state at the moment. Too much is going on here, and I can't really focus on what I'm doing. It's dangerous because I am easily distracted by something else. I just hope I'd pass my exam tomorrow.
Well, another contribution to this sadness is I was having a problem with my boyfriend. Literally last night. Well, I started it first. Maybe I was feeling too lonely, or maybe it's due to my menstrual thingy. Nah, I'm writing about it here because he doesn't read my blog. I've told him about it but he probably forgot that I have a blog, and he doesn't even know the link so yep. We had a fight last night about something so complicated. Well I was very sad last night so I decided to pull up the 'let's end it here' card. Probably he was so so mad that he decided to block me in all social media. So when I noticed that, I cried straightaway because I thought we were really over. I cried so bad that I felt that that was the end of everything, that was the end of my life. Never been heartbroken before, so last night was the first. And I swear I don't wanna feel that again. I was devastated, paranoid and anxious. So I called him immediately and I cried. Yup, I cried. And it was bad. Like I never cried that bad to someone, even to my friends. He sounded okay at first but started to cry afterwards. We talked and we discussed about it. It was all full with emotion, and I didn't want that to happen. But I started it first, I was the one who cried first. I told him I don't wanna leave him, and I really meant that. I don't care if he still thought about his past, or he's not really into me. But I do. Even though we haven't met (because of this pandemic), but I really look forward to see him in person. Like, I'm intrigued to see what does he really look like, like how would he behave in person. He said that too. We both wanted to meet each other. Well he preferred the traditional way of getting to know someone. But I don't mind. As long as we're sincere and loyal and we trust our significant other, that doesn't really matter. When the time comes, we will meet eventually.
I thought about my past too sometimes. So, I understand when he told me he's still recovering from his past. I did think about mine too, but it's all gone when I decided to be in a relationship with him. I don't know. I think it's just me. It's been 2 years so I don't really remember about that. But I get him. It's still new and fresh to him so it might be a little difficult for him to get over it. It's not fair for me but I can't do anything about it. That's something that I think I'm willing to look past and adapt it. Haha it reminds me of this one song by Ben Platt, 'Grow as We Go'. It's nice. "I don't think you have to leave, if to change is what you need, you can change right next to me". Well, if only he knows that I'm willing to be that someone who'd be his company, all day all night even though I don't get enough sleep. But, I can wait if he's willing to change.
It broke me, deeply. Honestly, I don't know what will happen next. As for now, we're talking. Maybe not as casual and as romantic as before, but I hope it will get better, we'll get better. Lastly, yes he fills a part of my heart and I do love him. We'll cross the bridge once we get to it. I know, but if it's not meant to be, well what else could I do-