Jan 12, 2018

It Will Pass

It's dark and cold
I took out my long striped pants, my old shabby long sleeves t-shirt, and a pair of Alain Delon socks
I wore them all
Earpods inserted in, music's playing, I felt calm at the moment
The sorrow went away
The pain flew away
I sang along, danced along, imagining that I was the heroine in the music video
"Oh we made quite a mess babe, It's probably better off this way", I muttered the lyrics
"And I wish I could run to you, and I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do"
This hit right in my heart
My heart skipped a beat
The feeling is surreal
I denied, and I changed the song, to stop me from overthinking

I turned off my phone, getting rid of the distraction
The evilest kind of intrusion
I took out my antibody notes
I tried to read it
"FAB region is the antigen binding site"
I thought, it's kind of easy
I continued reading
It's getting harder and harder
It seemed that I haven't learn a thing
It seemed blank
I realized, I was such a slow reader, slow learner
Everybody was 10 steps ahead of me
I was still on the first week's lecture note
And we were just getting ready to start our week 4
It knocked my heart and my conscience 
"Do I deserve to be here?"
"Do I deserve to take somebody else's place?"
I shed my tears with the end of my t-shirt's sleeves
I felt weak and delicate
I took back my cellphone
And 'All Falls Down' started to play in my head

It's midnight
I checked my notification on my cellphone
Nothing was up
I bet, perhaps it was the wifi
I refreshed again and again
The moment that I felt down
The moment that I was at my worst
The moment that I needed help
The moment that I needed shoulder to cry on
The moment that I needed ears to spill to
No one was there 
No one asked, "How's your day?"
No one asked, "Are you okay?"
I threw away my phone
The tension was there, but I was not that strong to let it all out
I was not a fan of attention
I chose to be introverted
I remained silent 

I turned off the lights
It was my favorite part of the day
Keeping myself in my mom's cold fluffy old blanket 
Changing the fan level to the slowest
I lay down on my bed with a soft pink bed sheet on it
I tried to close my eyes
I tried
But I kept on overthinking of the consequences 
Of what would happen next
"What's next, what's next?", I murmured 
It disturbed my mind
I  got up and stood on my feet
I took my ablution
I spread my praying mat
I know it's the perfect remedy for my bad day
In the last sujood, I made dua'
I spoke my loved ones' names'
I told God how I was feeling
I told God how I was struggling 
I told God how I have been tormenting
And I told God, 
Why was I thinking this way
Why was I acting like a child
Why couldn't I remain patient
I know He would answer my prayers
Sooner or later
Thus that put me in ease

At the end of the day
I realized one thing
It was just a bad day, not a bad life
I thought, 
When we are stranded at our lowest point
The turning point is 
Get back to God
Pray and make dua'
Make dua'
And make dua'

Later I realized
God had answered my prayers one by one
I didn't even realise that
Until I tried to solve the puzzles
It was done
That was it
I might could not memorise the way that led to it
But I knew it was already done, beautifully
It shall pass
It will pass

Jan 6, 2018


1. I hate it when you talk to me and when you stare into my eyes

2. I hate it when you pay attention to everything that I say

3. I hate it how you bring me out of my comfort zone

4. I hate it how you offer me your things

5. I hate it when you offer me some food

6. I hate it when you ask 'have you eaten?''

7. I hate it when you wish me good morning and good night

8. I hate it when you call me by my name

9. I hate it when you tell me about your day and when you listen to my problems

10. I hate it when you smile and when you laugh at your own jokes

11. I hate it when you help me with my works

12. I hate it when you give me motivation and when you act all pious

13. I hate it when you start a conversation with me

14. I hate it when you open up to me

15. I hate to see you in your sweats and in your uniform

16. Lastly I hate that I don't hate you, not even close, not even a bit, not even at all

xoxo, P.

Jan 1, 2018

Leaving 2017

Assalamualaikum! It's Put! :)

First off, I truly can't believe that tomorrow is seriously 2018 in which I really dont know what I'm supposed to aim. I believe that everybody has their own so-called-goals to be achieved perhaps in future, but Im not sure yet what am i looking for, next. Maybe I could recall some good and bad memories that had happened in this year so I could like improve myself or you know, just get rid of those unnecessary things and people of my life. I've been through so many ups and downs and I know Im really really strong enough that I cant even imagine that Im here, successfully getting through all this struggle and challenges. It's a lot but anyway, been there, done that. hee~

10 things I love about  '17:

1)  Being a truly adult in which I took a 5 am train from Ipoh to PJ, and I got class at 9 am, and the train has some technical problems so it took longer than I thought. So, at KL Sentral, I took the lrt alone to LRT  University, then I took an uber ALONE risking everything, and reached my uni at 9 something. Then, I got a text from my classmate the 9 am class has been cancelled. Then, I suddenly thought, Allah's plan is always, and always beautiful and perfect. Never thought that the train I took could be in a problem, but it was! But, it turned out to be like that. Felt lucky and grateful enough and I realised that I was, and still am an adult now. I did everything on my own. My mom just dropped me at the train station and didnt wait for me cause I asked for it. I think that's how my confidence was built up. Alhamdulillah, I learnt one thing at the end of the day.

2) One of the hardest part in my third semester was I had a fight like seriously, a silent treatment with my own roommie. Could you imagine, you dont talk to your roommie who stays in the same room as yours. I never imagined that before, but anyhow it happened. I swear it was really tormenting that I have to keep on being silent and it was super duper awkward. Well, girl's fight is the worst haha! But I believe that i was matured enough that I dont, you know, like posting, mocking her in any of my social medias cause I know, thats a sin. The worse is, everybody knows that youre spreading bad things about her. Nope, I didnt do that. But, less than a week, we're back together. It was in the afternoon, when we're performing zuhr prayer side by side (even though we didnt talk). So, like after dua', I hugged her and cried and said i dont want to be like this like FOR REAL, STOP TORTURING ME HAHA. Then, it was normal then lol. I think just to be good back with your friend, it just takes only one person to start it all back. As easy as that, just do it. You will regret it later if you dont start first. With that, I feel proud of myself though heee~

3) Lectures are actually fun when your classmates are all crazy and fun to be with! Alhamdulillah, my cfs classmates were all good and kind and funny and bizarre hahaha. Honestly, I really miss those moments cause they are the best people of my life. Getting to know them is really a bless for me. I could easily mix and mingle around with new people cause they're all kind. If there's an option for me to choose to travel to the past, I might choose that particular time. I couldnt state all their names here, but you are all in my mind, my heart, and my dua' insyaAllah.

4) Foundation ended there. I felt so proud of myself that I could endure all those hectic weeks and months. Alhamdulillah again. My study was quite good, my result is satisfying. That was when I decided to apply for changing my course to Medicine. Thank God, Ive been called for the interview. And I passed it! I realized that Allah's plan is always the best! I never ever thought of being a medical student, even a doctor. But, right we could never know what's gonna happen in the future. Allah has answered my prayers one by one. And this is it. My truly dream since the first day I entered my primary school. "I want to be a doctor because I like to help people", I told my teacher and all my friends when I was in standard one. The reason is cliche haha but I honestly want to help people. It feels great when you can ease people around. It feels soothing. With that, here I am in IIUM Kuantan as a first year medical student. But still, full of challenges and tests from Him. I just hope that I can patiently endure these, and be stronger and stronger to be one, Ameen.

5) I'm blessed with good friends, or should I call em' crazy besties? Yeah. My roommies are all good and they are just like me. Waji, Iman, and Yana. You break their heart, Ill break yours. lol. I aint kidding. These people where I can tell them everything, even the smallest lil stupid thing, the most embarrassing thing, the dirty secret thing, the most hambar joke, the fart that you spread, the crush, basically EVERYTHING. They will respond to it, and laugh even at the non-funny part. lmao, I could just laugh at their laughs. My classmates, especially, Anis, Laila, Nad and Fiq. Thank you so much for bringing me into your life, your circle of friends. Why are you guys so intelligent?! *cries* Thanks for helping me a lot in my study, especially anatomy and biochem. Honestly, they are not my  forte. I couldnt repay your kindness now, but InsyaAllah you guys are in my dua', always. :) Not to forget my cfs roommates, Aimi, Fatin, Tiqah, Nira, and Shaf. I swear you guys are the craziest people alive! Hahaha. Those last days that we had in cfs pj were indeed, days to remember. Crazy isnt it? One more thing, my best classmates since my first sem and up till sem 3, Nazira and Irfan. Haha? Why cant you guys go awayyyy from my life HAHAHA just kidding. Im totally grateful that you guys were always with me during my struggling phases. You guys are indeed the BEST. Thank you every single each of you. :)

6) Fam bam. Fam stands for family. I dont know whats for bam. Anyhow, of course, everybody would say 'my family is the best'. Yes, me either. Who doesnt? But, honestly I feel truly honestly blessed with mine, they are all supportive. My cousins, my uncles and aunts. Alhamdulillah. We are soooooo close that we almost share everything among us, cousins. *wanna go back home right now can ah?*. As for my cute little family, my mama. She's a strong woman, and indeed the strongest woman in the world, who raised us 4 siblings by her own. *tears welled up*. She worked very hard for all of us, to find rezq, to make us happy. I cant repay her until the end. My siblings, huaaaa I just missed every single silly thing about them *perks of being away from home*. But whatever it is, Im thankful enough for this. Alhamdulillah.

7) Friends. Friends as in 'friends'. You know who you are. I couldnt mention your name here. But, if it fits, feel free to wear. Thank you for staying with me, for cheering me up, for getting into my life, for helping me, for willing to ask "are you ok?", "you good?", "hows it going?, "what do you eat for today?", "is everything ok?", "have you eaten?". Those soothing words are all the strength and positive vibes which are the happy pills in my life. Maybe in the future or somewhere around that we may like be away from each other because of the work loads, but just so you know, we're just good, and always good. I appreciate every single thing that you do, and you are always in my dua'.

8) To my BEST BEST friends, Syikin and Syafira. MasyaAllah, Ive never met someone like you guys!!!! You guys are like my reflection. I could find me in yourselves. Wallahi, Im so happy to have you guys in my life. I know that we could hardly meet each other, but of course, Ipoh connects us HAHA. We are like 15 minutes from each other in Ipoh, so yea, it's not even a problem kan?! To my primary school fellas, Sara, Zafirah, and Najah. wow, 14 years and up till now??!!!! I cant believe it. You guys are truly my soulmates. woi can we like proceed our 'singapore/japan trip' plan back? I'm broke right now, but in five years time, InsyaAllah. haha. *please do*

9) Thank you. I'm fine.

10) I love you.

Here's a link to one of my fav songs, hope you can listen to this too :) *read through out the lyrics then you'll get it*
New Years Day - Taylor Swift

p/s: Lol, i dont have much to say actually, but anyway, Happy 2018? xoxo, Putput. :)

Oct 6, 2017

Great People, Great Start

Assalamualaikum everyone! 

I always and always try to find some times to spill in my blog on what have happened to me all this while, yet I could hardly find. But, alhamdulillah this is it! 

Basically, I enjoy my degree so far. I'm blessed with kind friends, kind lecturers and doctors. All praises to Allah. For the study thingy, no one says that it's easy. No one says that you can score even though you don't study and do revision. I'm dealing with it calmly and hopefully I can nail it and be a good doctor. 

Friends? Yea, not all. I mean, I ain't friendly like some of the students. BUT I'M TRYING OKAY. My roommates are all fun and nice and lunatic and swifties! I love love love them. They're the best people here. And I hope we could keep going for the next five years. hee. Classmates? Geez. I have 150 classmates and believe me, there's a lot more that i don't recognize their faces. But Alhamdulillah, some of them are very kind and helpful. But not all though. Whatever it is, I have to deal with it. Know that not all people will like you. But yea, we're not living to please all. I spend my time independently a lot. I've learned how to be free-spirited and not to depend too much on others, cause I know, I'll not always be with the same people all over again. 

Actually, I don't have much to say. Haha. Homesick? Lesser. Cause I'm too busy spending my time on studies. Yep. Alright it's 12.58 a.m. I'll update soon about something interesting soon. Bye felicia. 

Sep 9, 2017

Degree Kicks In

Assalamualaikum guys!
Here, I’ll tell you the whole story of my life at my first phase of degree. Dgree sounds exciting, but mine is the worst. Lol yes, it has just been 3 days but I still assume it as a bad beginner. Please stay with me till the end thanks! :’)

Right now, I’m on my 4th day of my first year in med school. I changed my course and Alhamdulillah, I was accepted :) Me and another 8 students were accepted into this course. Feels good when you have another ones joining you. But, yea, there are 6 girls and 2 boys. The 2 boys were my classmates back in foundation, while the other 5 girls arent. I barely knew them. 4 of them were classmates and close (of course), and another 1 were a year older than me and she got plenty of close friends in our course. ME? I have nobody. I know a few friends anyway, but we arent that close. So this is my point here, I feel lonely. My friends are all in different course and college. So, I’m here alone.

During ta’aruf week, almost all the time I did all alone, I ate alone, I walked alone, I rode the bus alone. Lol just a couple of time that I joined my old friends but that was temporary. Basically, I’m a loner. Gurl, God want to test me, right? It isnt surely easy. I mean, getting into med school (out of all other applicants), there must be some tests for me. And I guess this is it. Pray for me so I’ll get used to it and bear all of this. I learned one new thing, independence. I can feel that Im big enough that I did all alone! I believe on one fine day, I’ll have my own car, pay the house and the car’s loan all by myself at the bank, buying groceries alone. Dude, this is just the beginning. More challenges to come! Now, I already feel it when I saw some people who were just alone and independent by themselves but successfully did it. I respect you guys! I mean, what’s the odd of being alone right? Bih, I’m kinda clingy, so thats why haha.

By the way, yesterday, all the medical students had to attend a kulliyyah briefing by the dean. So, yea we’ll be facing a lot. There’s no time to play around. Medicine is very tough, I mean the toughest, right? I’ll tell you guys soon of whats gonna happen of my first week of classes. And I cant wait to nail my first block! We called it ‘block’ instead of ‘semester’. Basically, 2 blocks=1 semester. We got different days of holiday so there will be certain times that we have classes, but nope for the other kulliyyah. Another thing that I cannot wait is clinical years! I cant wait to go to the hospitals and have my own stethoscope and checking on the patients. God, thats my dream from standard 1. haha. 

Overall, I still need to blend in and mingle with the medical students, because like it or not, we're in the same class for 5 years, InsyaAllah. Only Allah could help me. Oh anyway, Ive seen some of my friends' true colors. When you're in trouble or not, that's so cliche and random. They're everywhere! I dont wanna recall what ive done for them but yea, karma is a bitch. Y'all will feel exactly what I felt. I aint praying something bad for you guys, but just pray that you will do good. Cause what you give, you take back. Easy peazy. So, first call starts on this Monday! I'm excited! New world, new syllabus :) Cant wait to seek ilm :) Pray for me guys. May the force be with me and I could stay strong through all my journey. Ameen.