Mar 1, 2018

Two Basic Rules

Told ya. It's 2nd of March already. So fast. Today marks the last day of our second block, and I have 3 days of examination from 12th-14th March. So yea. Meanwhile, I forgot that i have another 1 class in the evening at 3. *sigh* Why though? And to add, even though next week is a 'study week', but still I have 2 UNGS classes to be attended. *sigh again* It's basically like Islamic thingy.

Okay, what i am going to talk right now is basically the thing that has crossed my mind a moment ago. Guilt. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling guilty because once you felt it, you'd not be at ease until the moment you confront to that person. I lied. To. Someone. So, that's the thing, that's the problem. It's between you say the bitter truth or you speak the sweet lie. And a moment ago, I chose the sweet lie. I realise that i shouldnt do that but for the sake of both parties, it is a yes.

So, thats the thing. Secondly, it's about how you accept someone's advice. It's either two; You take it, or you leave it. But in the end, it depends on your decision. Someone's advice or counsel doesnt necessarily have to be the solution, but it is just a guide for you to make decision. So, yea ive been thinking about this quite a while, when I receive someone's opinion and when I give opinion. When people tend to not listen to you, I just realise that it is their right because, who are you to dictate them on whatever they do. Thats the thing. And when I receive somebody's point of view, you cant expect me to digest and do everything that you suggest, because life works like that.

Whatever it is, March is going to be an amazing month. I am mentally and physically ready for all the blessings that I know is coming my way. Assalamualaikum :)

Feb 25, 2018

February In A Nutshell

Assalamualaikum everyone

It's 25th February where I could say time flies so fast. It felt like months in January, days in February, and perhaps hours in March? Sure, Im fine with that. I thought that it will be nice if when I wake up tomorrow, im in my white coat, getting ready to start my day in the hospital. I wanted to skip all these struggling phases. Because of what? This is truly tough for me. The endurance is at the maximum level.

'It's just a bad day, not a bad life'. 'JUST A BAD DAY'.  But little did you know, in a week, there are like several possibilities of me having several bad days. But yea, still not a bad life haha. Thus, what can I say is, just remember that it is just a test from Allah. Allah is always with the patient ones. Like i said before, it will pass, it shall pass. InsyaAllah.

Feb 19, 2018

1 am

Is it common for a person to always feel like what he/she is doing is not working . It means that the end of every single thing that she does is a failure. Why so? I aint questioning the fate given by Him, but i just wonder, is it because of myself, on how i deal with people, how i bring up myself to the public. Maybe yes, maybe it’s just a test from Allah. I dont know.

Basically, maybe people think im such an-always-mad-kinda-person but truthfully, i aint mad. Sometimes, im just pissed off of what ive been treated. Know the fact that im kinda emotional, so im not the type of a person who confronts everyone. But i will just a give a silent treatment cause i dont wanna let it to get worse. But little did i know, the key to every problem is communication. So why cant we talk and settle down everything ey? It’s like a hanging end. No one wants that. So do i. I just dont like to have a fight with people and not resolving it then when you accidentally meet them, you will feel super awkward and you will cringe and then you will make your resting bitch face then they will call you fake or mah whatever, you can predict by yourself.

So yea basically, what can i say is, im not a good person. Ive always caused a trouble with people, since i was in my primary school, perhaps. Yeah, with that bye see ya.

1.11 am

Jan 24, 2018

care to read?

It's 12.22 a.m., Thursday morning. I felt like I wanna do a vlog but since I'll be emotionally speaking in the video, lets call it a day. So, basically, Im just gonna write in here.

This day, today, just now, and right now, at the moment, I am experiencing a total mental breakdown. In the old days, I didnt even know the causes of me, being breakdown. But now, I knew it. Mix of problems and overthinking stuffs. I've never felt like this before. I dont know how to describe it, but it seems that my heart has been crumbled, my brain feels like exploding, my tears come pouring down, my body is shaking, muscle cramps, basically, everything is not fine. I wanna cry to someone's shoulder, I wanna express everything but that person is not here. That person is like so unknown?? I dont know mayn, I dont wanna tell my mom about this cause she'll be worried sick. I dont want that to happen.

1) I just got my exam result. It isnt good at all. I'm disappointed with myself. I felt stupid and dumb and slow.

2) It is just so hard to fathom and memorize the lectures, Im so slow that i cannot even understand it. And i start to cry whenever I cant digest something in the lecture notes, like just now.

3) Tomorrow is gonna be a meeting with my mentor. I dont mind, cause I wanna tell what i feel to my mentor. But, we go in groups, the mentees. I dont want that. Im the stupidest among them, so for sure I'll be terribly looking like an idiot for getting the worst result, twice (plus the previous minitest). So, i overthink about it on how am i going to avoid from going with them. I want to meet my mentor personally. It's like privacy huh??

4) Homesick strikes. I miss my mom. I miss my family. I wanna go home. I wanna forget about all these things for a while. These are just too many for me to endure. My body is getting week. My brain is getting weak.

5) Tennis competition is gonna be on Friday evening. Im not even ready. I suck at it. It pressures me a lot since everyone else is good, and im lacking in it. I look like a friggin newbie (well it's true) but im the worst. Im so scared. Im scared that ill be having panic attack. Im nervous.

6) I want people to text me good 'things' everyday. I want to be received such meaningful and good quotes, poems, or any good vibes. It helps me in enduring my day. How to tell that person in order to be doing that?

7) Im just tired of everything. My sleeping schedule is going madly crazy right now, I sleep whenever i feel tired. Even in the class, in between maghrib and isya. Everything is just so tiring.

So, to whoever has read this, I, humbly beg you guys to pray for me, to be able to endure all these things successfully. It's too much to ask, but I am in need of supports and motivation. Thanks, Asslamualaikum :)

Jan 12, 2018

It Will Pass

It's dark and cold
I took out my long striped pants, my old shabby long sleeves t-shirt, and a pair of Alain Delon socks
I wore them all
Earpods inserted in, music's playing, I felt calm at the moment
The sorrow went away
The pain flew away
I sang along, danced along, imagining that I was the heroine in the music video
"Oh we made quite a mess babe, It's probably better off this way", I muttered the lyrics
"And I wish I could run to you, and I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do"
This hit right in my heart
My heart skipped a beat
The feeling is surreal
I denied, and I changed the song, to stop me from overthinking

I turned off my phone, getting rid of the distraction
The evilest kind of intrusion
I took out my antibody notes
I tried to read it
"FAB region is the antigen binding site"
I thought, it's kind of easy
I continued reading
It's getting harder and harder
It seemed that I haven't learn a thing
It seemed blank
I realized, I was such a slow reader, slow learner
Everybody was 10 steps ahead of me
I was still on the first week's lecture note
And we were just getting ready to start our week 4
It knocked my heart and my conscience 
"Do I deserve to be here?"
"Do I deserve to take somebody else's place?"
I shed my tears with the end of my t-shirt's sleeves
I felt weak and delicate
I took back my cellphone
And 'All Falls Down' started to play in my head

It's midnight
I checked my notification on my cellphone
Nothing was up
I bet, perhaps it was the wifi
I refreshed again and again
The moment that I felt down
The moment that I was at my worst
The moment that I needed help
The moment that I needed shoulder to cry on
The moment that I needed ears to spill to
No one was there 
No one asked, "How's your day?"
No one asked, "Are you okay?"
I threw away my phone
The tension was there, but I was not that strong to let it all out
I was not a fan of attention
I chose to be introverted
I remained silent 

I turned off the lights
It was my favorite part of the day
Keeping myself in my mom's cold fluffy old blanket 
Changing the fan level to the slowest
I lay down on my bed with a soft pink bed sheet on it
I tried to close my eyes
I tried
But I kept on overthinking of the consequences 
Of what would happen next
"What's next, what's next?", I murmured 
It disturbed my mind
I  got up and stood on my feet
I took my ablution
I spread my praying mat
I know it's the perfect remedy for my bad day
In the last sujood, I made dua'
I spoke my loved ones' names'
I told God how I was feeling
I told God how I was struggling 
I told God how I have been tormenting
And I told God, 
Why was I thinking this way
Why was I acting like a child
Why couldn't I remain patient
I know He would answer my prayers
Sooner or later
Thus that put me in ease

At the end of the day
I realized one thing
It was just a bad day, not a bad life
I thought, 
When we are stranded at our lowest point
The turning point is 
Get back to God
Pray and make dua'
Make dua'
And make dua'

Later I realized
God had answered my prayers one by one
I didn't even realise that
Until I tried to solve the puzzles
It was done
That was it
I might could not memorise the way that led to it
But I knew it was already done, beautifully
It shall pass
It will pass