Back at it again

Hi guys. I am super duper tired  as I was just back from tennis training. Guess what? I joined this year’s inter batch game again...... And also, I realized that I suck at playing it. I guess it just isn’t my forte. Just now, I played so bad like a total newbie. You know what did I feel just now? It was so heartbreaking as it didn’t turn out well. I felt so sad and I wanted to cry out loud. I felt like a burden to them. I’m so scared for the upcoming game. God knows how nervous and embarrassed I am. I don’t know what else could I do to improve myself. But yea, imagine that I haven’t played for like a year and then I made a bad comeback. Lol I highkey think that I shouldn’t join at the first place. I should just give this chance to other person. Oh well I think I’m just gonna cry for the rest of the night and tomorrow morning, I’ll be back training. Till then. Brb *crying.

Late Night Thought 1

Late night thought: I hate everyone who doesn’t appreciate me and my effort and just act normal and it still looks abnormal to me and I hate every inch of you, it’s probably because I’m having mood swing but whatever you still suck. I hate that I always expect more and more and it always turn out to be bad. I’m legit mad and sad but more to the sad mad but mad>sad. I’M SO MAD. But guess what? I could do nothing. I just hope God will give me continuous patience to really bear with these bunch of people till the rest of my life. Couldn’t ask for more. In need of patience and patience. Till then.

Mad

Hi guys. Sorry that I took a really long time to update. *as if I have so many fans* Anyhow, I'm back again with a new oneeeeee.

Now, if you're mad over something, what would you do? Telling someone? Write it up? Or just keep it to yourself? If it's me, I prefer to express in through writing. Writing is so powerful that it could completely express the whole feeling of mine, about every single details. So, stating the obvious, I'm currently mad, like so so mad over something, over a person. Of course I wouldn't tell him/her because I just don't want to make it worse. It's okay if only me who bears it, who holds it, alone. I just prefer that way. But little do you know, if it's repetitive, I'm just very tired to hold it. Like just now, I couldn't hold it any longer. I almost exploded but I quickly performed my prayer and made dua' to Allah. I know the only One that can relieve the pain is Him, the Almighty.

Sometimes, I underestimate the power of dua'. I underestimate Allah's power to change, to sort everything. Instead, I chose to cry and question and regret. I hate myself for being that way. I don't know. When I'm mad over someone, it affects my whole mood and you know what do I do? I choose to ignore them and stay quiet for that time being until I'm okay back and until my bad mood recovered. I'm scared that if I talk when I'm in anger, it will worsen. So yea, it's so so hard for me. I'm weak. I can't fake it.

Speaking of me, I hate it that I'm the only who always understand and notice their feelings and they do not do the same thing to me. I hate it that they rarely notice my changes in behaviour and mood like how I'm always aware of theirs. It sucks you know. Sometimes, I wish that I don't have feelings. I'm so easily offended over something. Even it's a small petty thing. But sure, it hits me right in the heart. My bro told me once that I'm so fragile. Haha. True. Literally and emotionally fragile. One day. my bro just touched me a little on the arm, but I felt so annoyed and it turned out that I felt pain on my arm. Since then, he always call me fragile. Emotionally? Oh yes, I easily cried, be it painful tears or happy tears. My gland is working very well haha.

So yea, that's it! I think I'm okay now. At least for now. I just hope that I'm gonna be really really strong and not to be affected easily by something unimportant and irrelevant. Till then, I'll catch you up soon with my next post. Bye! Assalamualaikum.

Year 2 whaddup?

Salam guys!!

I know I sound so excited. 'Cause you know what? I passed year 1 and made to year 2!!! I took a really long time to write this because I wanted to feel this new year vibe, like really enjoying it. The time that I knew about it was so unexpected because I was at home, chilling like a villain. Yes, chilling guys, I wasn't studying.

First off, Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah. I felt so relieved, so blessed, so happy! Being promoted to year 2 is not something easy, but it wouldn't ever stop me from pursuing medicine if I didn't get promoted. We all feel sad at first, but giving up is an option. It's not the only choice. That's why I was so mentally prepared with failure as I've been there. Nonetheless, with dua and little effort, Allah made it. On the same day, I told my my mom the truth that I failed my first exam. I thought she would be sad of my result but hell no. Yes, she did feel sad but that's because she told me how strong I was to endure that alone, without telling her. Yes babe, I felt so down at that particular moment, I was at my worst, I've no confidence, I was suffering.

You know what? I'm not going to tell her after this too 'cause she'd be worrying sick haha. Now, it's my third day on year 2 and wallahi, it's so hard like I cried literally.... Pbl session was even tougher. I just hope that I'd have enough time to cope with everything and dear brain, please work faster. Pray for me everyone :-)

Raya Mode ONNNN

Assalamualaikum everyone!

Don't ask me where I am. 'Cause I'm still struggling here in my uni preparing mentally and physically for the upcoming finals right after eid, which is on 26th of June. Prepared enough? Nah, only God knows how nervous I am. Still, earlier today, I felt like puking and stuffs because I've digested medical facts too much. Spirochetes is more like spiroshits. Whatever it is, forget about study for a while.

Luckily, I don't feel homesick at all. It's just that I'm just patiently waiting for raya. Oh, most of my friends have already went to their hometown because our class officially finished. But as for me, I don't even think I'd be studying at home. Thinking of doing house chores, baking kuih raya, raya preparation, it's all tiring and for sure, I'd not even touch my lecture notes. That is why I planned of going back a little bit late. But it's totally fine. It's cool here, it's all quiet, and calming, and satisfying. I could sing as loud as I want, dancing on my own, taking shower in a completely clean bathroom, karaoke in the shower, listening to the music as lunatic as it be.

Guess what? I only have one baju raya because I basically don't have much time for that. Probably on the second day of raya, I'll be locking my self in my room, studying. Call me geek, but I live for this. This is my choice, and it will be like this till the rest of my life. *crying to see my future*. Nonetheless, InsyaAllah it will be good, like real good! Have faith Put!

Talking about current obsession, I easily get attached to movies and stuffs. Right now, everyone including me is kinda hype about Samarinda Nur on tv3. Lol, been watching 4 episodes in a day just to catch up with the current episode. It's a very good drama because it portrays a real situation, a real judgemental mentality of people nowadays. Being those holier-than-thou, pious people, it doesn't mean that y'all are guaranteed to enter the paradise, and being a daughter of a prostitute, it is not even written on her fate that being in hell is her ending. Because what? People only judge on what they see and they listen. They don't even see the good ones praying, they don't even see the munafik ones doing some gigolo stuffs at the lorong. (Based on the drama). So yea. You can't judge people easily.

Talking about being judgemental, I have a few friends whom I feel uncomfortable to get attached to. They basically always have a bad thought on people that they dislike. And they assume things that they're not sure about. Imagine being a listener to that stuffs, 1) you can ignore it but your friends must be annoyed with you, acting angelic out of sudden or 2) you had to agree everything that your friends say. I've always stuck in between. I don't wanna be labelled as  'bajet alim' and also, I don't wanna join into their 'discussion' on judging people. But little do you know, I'm far from hurting anyone's feeling, so I just keep quiet when they talk, and I don't even say yes or no. I think that's the best?
No, that's not the way. Stop doing that and try not to even participate in the conversation. InsyaAllah, together we avoid on being talking bad about people around. It's like eating your own friends' flesh and blood. Nauzubillahminzalik.

Back to Nur drama, I suggest you to watch it since it's so good, so meaningful for me. I even cried in some episodes. P/s: I easily cry so yea.

Last but not least, Selamat Hari Raya in advance! Maaf zahir dan batin.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Hi everyone! Assalamualaikum.

I’m stealing my time just to write a post on how honestly, genuinely I feel about having a mom who’s just beyond perfect, which is the best person in the world.

From little, I always have this thought in my mind. I wanna be exactly like mama when I grow older, I wanna be a lecturer just like her, I wanna be just as strong as her, I wanna walk and drive like her. ‘Cause you know what? Everything about her is just too perfect, wallahi.

Growing up in a moderate family is a bless I would say. But never ever in front of us, my mom would   sigh and complain about her job, her problem. I never see that in her. But deep down I knew, she’s in trouble. We went ups and downs together. Even if it was the very worst of ‘downs’ happening, she would never give up and discourage us, kids. In every problem that occured, she bravely endure it without involving us, I really saw the protective side of her that shows that she’s very selfless. Later I thought, why would something bad happen to good person like her.

Talking about priorities, she really put a high hope on us in education. She doesn’t want no. 3 in class, she doesn’t want 80/100, but she wants a perfect score. Since kindergarten, we had been taught on being competitive healthily. I remember that there was this one time where I entered a coloring competition. I didnt have color pencils and I didnt tell my parents about it. I didnt want to cause I thought that it was not that important. On the competition day, when we arrived there, mom knew about it and there was no time to buy one plus it was really early in the morning. Putting the feeling of embarrassment aside, she asked and borrowed some color pencils from a stranger next to me. We didnt even know them yet she took all her courage to do that just for me to finish the competition. I knew deep inside, who on earth would do that, knowing that it is a bloody coloring competiton so why wouldnt this bloody kid bring one. But well, my mom did it. I didnt remember wheter i won it or not but that doesnt matter. What matter is how my mom cope with that.

Reminiscing about high school, i remember that when i was in form 1, i was in a science residential school which is like 2 hours away from home. Just on the first day, i felt homesick as heck that i cried every time i performed my prayer, every time before i went to sleep, every time when i called my mom using that damn old public phone. It was really torturing cause that’s the first time i was being away from home. Because of that, my mom came every week just to visit me and pamper this stupid spoiled brat who only knew to complain everything and ask for many stupid things. I was really childish at that time. I forced my mom to come to my school on every week without even thinking about her time and priorities, without even thinking the money that she had to spend for me, without even thinking on how tiring that she had to drive by herself. Wallahi, she never complaint that to me. Never. I made a rebel once cause i wanna go out of that school so bad. I hate the environment cause it was toxic. Had been mentally bullied by some seniors and ive received a chain letter from my own roommate. It was very tormenting. It only lasted for 7 months cause my mom brought me out finally. It was damn hard at that time just to transfer me out of that school. The procedure was too complicated. But my mom never failed to fulfill my needs and even go up to the office almost everyday to settle down about my school issues. I aint a problematic kid, my attitude and performance was good, it’s just that i cant cope with the environment. Thats that.

Reaching ramadan, i remember she would wake up as early as 4.30 am just to cook something for sahur. We could just eat something light but nope, she would prepare at least one kind of dish for us. Have we, kids ever help her in the kitchen? Nope. We, lazy ass only knew how to eat when we’ve been patiently woken up by mom. Preparing for iftar? Ahaa we only knew how to ask and ask. Mom’s an angel. She’s indeed a besutiful angel.

Having family crisis? That’s normal. I didnt want to elaborate more on this but just so you know, she really had a hard time once with my dad. I just wanna highlight on how strong is she to really endure and fight and protect her family. Im glad that now she found her happiness. I think it’s time for me, as her child, as her first daughter to put aside all my negative thinking, my feeling and sacrifice something for her in which she’s having now. I’m happy for my mom. Thinking as an adult, we all want to be happy with our partner, we dont want to grow old alone and reaching the dead line alone, thus i really understand that. We, as children have no right to give our preferences on what should our parents do. They’re the ones who should decide.

Last but not least, there are so many things that my mom has done for me and my siblings. Wallahi, i cannot repay with anything but dua’ for the best in dunya and the akhirah. I just realized that when im being away from my mom, it was really scary to not knowing whats happening at home. But when im there, i dont really appreciate it. Some of the things that she always reminds me;
do not ever hate people even if they do bad to us, so just do good and do good cause life is short. With that, happy mother’s day mama. Im sad that im not with you right now but my dua is always with you.

Pre-Mini Test

Bismillahirahmanirahim.

Hey there. It seems like everyone is not done with GE14 yet. Oh well? So do I. One by one has been exposed. Hashtag spill the tea. 

Anyhow, it's a brand new day, new Malaysia, I really really hope this country is really going towards a better nation. Not only with the manifestos, but of course with the people itself. I can't even describe how proud I am of this recent election. For the first time ever, this kind of thing happens here. Before this, I was not so aware about this political issues and stuffs but anyhow, we all grow up right? Whatever it is, it's surely our responsibility in choosing the best leader of all. So, if you are one of those people who says "hm nah, these politic stuffs are not my thing", then you're the worst kind of people. 

Nevertheless, having different opinions and sides of political parties doesn't have to keep everyone apart. When it comes to work or personal matter, put that aside. Everyone can choose, everyone has their own side but try to not put that in the very first thing in your daily work. 

By the way, I'm in my college while my friends and my family members are currently enjoying their one week holiday at home. Homesick strikes so bad. Anyhow, there's a reason why I came back earlier than everybody else. I got a mini test on this Tuesday and my knowledge is just 30% currently. My level of stupidity and procrastination is just so high, reaching to the infinity. Medical school is one hell of a ride. Lol. Haven't even reached the end of year 1 but the feeling is catastrophic. 

Currently we are studying about bacteria, parasites, virus and so on. Another thing is about drugs, specifically pharmacology. It's too much. The name itself is nonsense. Can't even say it right. I salute them, pharmacy students. 

Reaching to the end, it's good to be alive now, to really witnessing this victory of the people, now they realize and see the power of people. My level of happiness is ridiculously high. Alhamdulillah. I can't wait for the good things to be happened next. Here's to a new Malaysia! 

Towards the end of April

Bismillahirrahmanirahim.

I always see things without thinking deeply and not in a mature way in which I tend to easily assume things to be happened the way I feel. It's totally wrong. I realize that it shouldn't be that way. Confidence is the key. Over confidence can kill it. No confidence? You'll prolly drown.

I once tell here that I did badly for my first block of examination. And the result was very very bad. That was one hell of a ride. I'd call it a phase of depression (not a clinical one lol). It was just disturbing my mind and my conscience as I was so down, so scared and was having very low self esteem. But as time passed by, I tried to find back my spirit and there you go, a unicorn vibes come creeping in (haha kidding), I don't know how it happened. But, surely I became more confident with my self. I tried to push myself closer to Him and make dua' as frequent as possible, do Hajat prayer when I have time. Because with effort itself, you can't get what you want.

With that, I managed to improve a lot, even though it's not that much, but for me, it's very good enough for me. My mom tells me that if everyone else can do, why couldn't I? I quite disagree with this statement because everyone has their own limit and thinking. Mine is slower. But, that pushes me to put in way more effort so my thinking could be same as theirs. That's the logic behind that.

Anyway, I'm praying for all of us to be able to endure our year 1 successfully and get into year 2 with a good result. Surely we can. :) Assalamualaikum.

A quick one, really

This is a quick one.

I know that I'm weak, emotionally and physically. I often fall sick, almost have gastritis every day, often overthink, often feel sad (with or without reason) but that's the way I am. Can't get rid of it but slowly and surely, I can endure it.

Anyway, I recently had a quite emotional phase where I had some kind of problem. So yea, I sought help from my little sister cause she was the only one who was free at that moment. Mom was basically busy cause she's working so I didn't want to interrupt her. It's just a simple thing, but the moment that my sister was willing to help me to run the errand by WALKING quite a distance just to get it done. Wallahi, my tears rolled down my cheeks like rivulets. I felt really touched.

Thus that made me realize that I was really weak. (read: still weak). Just a small thing Put, yet you still cried a river. I had 5 tissues wasted on that. The reason behind that: 'terharu'. blugh, I need to learn to be strong.

Addition: I think by having loads of work to be done by this week, adds to the 'emotional me'. Too much guys. I have the list if you want to see:

1) PBL presentation for session 2
2) Dakwah bureau stuffs
3) Microbiology lab report
4) UNGS assignment
5) Leadership stuffs
6) Volunteer stuffs

Yet, I feel annoyed of those who keep asking and asking for the things. It's not yet the deadline, but they seem eagerly want it. Patience is the key to everything. So, sabar. There's this one point where I wanna leave the whatsapp groups for a while cause it's too much. They enter like thousands of bullet. And I'm not bulletproof. *sigh*

Pray for Put so she can handle all of this with sabr and sincerity. Ameen.

I've Learned Something and..

Assalamualaikum people!

Just a short post for today, where I wanna share something that has touched my heart. Er, I don't know how to exactly explain this but I wanna highlight 'gratefulness' for today's post. Cey, I should do 'one moral value for a day' post lol. Just kidding.

First off, it's just a start for me to be a little bit thrifty because I do admit that I spent quite a lot. As for today, I just had a simple dish for lunch, and decided to just have bread and jam for dinner. BUT for a pelahap like me, 2 slices of bread aren't enough. So, like for my kuliyyah, there is this one welfare bureau that help the needy persons by serving them free food for dinner. Since, the food is a lot, I took a little bit as I was (and am) trying to be thrifty, so, bad. Then I took a plate of rice, a fish and some potatoes. It was kinda far because the food were in the block next to mine. The struggle is real haha. As I was taking the food, I stumbled upon a few of my classmates. I was like "hye bye hye bye" with them until this one person was saying something that maybe unintentionally hurt my feeling. I forgot the way that person said it, but there was this 'sanggup datang sini' words and they sound like I was kind of desperate to come here JUST to have free food. I'm not sure if i am the one who is overthinking but for me, you don't say that to people. I don't care so much about that, but I couldn't imagine if someone else who really needs the food was at my place. It might hurt people.

Basically, I wanna stress that do mind your words. If you don't have anything nice to say, just stay quiet. Keep it low. If that is the way of you, being friendly, well you should change. The way is not right.

The other thing that has touched my heart was about the food itself. The food was okay, but we don't basically enjoy it. Um, how do I say this..... I wasn't saying that the food is terrible, but you know if it's for free then you can't expect it to be a 5 star one. I do realized that. But, when I got it for free just now, the nikmat is wallahi undeniable. It was tempting and, delicious. That's the best thing I've ever felt today. The nikmah that has been givin by Him. Thus I feel so grateful, and I promised I wont be stingy in buying food after this. :) Haha. I won't cut my budget for food just to save some money to buy makeups, to go shopping and to spend for a holiday trip.  things. Lol.

So yeah. Those are just the things. It's basically nothing but it's a lot to me. Deep inside, I've learned something today. With that, I hope we all ca be grateful and mind our words before we spit out anything. Ameen.

April Fool's Day

Saturdays and Sundays don’t feel like before. I feel that they are getting boring and boring. I spend most of my time in the room either on the bed or at the study table. Sometimes, I feel that I have no life. I dont mean that I ‘must’ go out on every weekends. The fact that ‘48 hours’ is a long time and I could say that it was one hell of a ride. Sometimes, I love being alone. Sometimes, I do want to mingle around. Sometimes, I feel like I wanna go home. ‘I’d rather be in my college than be at home cause I’ll be doing nothing’ is sometimes disturbing my conscience. But after all, I know that home is the best place I’ve ever been. And that’s why I sacrifice my 8 hours time of being on a ride just to go back home. People might say that it’s just ‘a short journey’. If it’s only once or twice, you could happily say that. But if it's gonna happen for a 5 years duration, it’s crazy. I got sick because of that. But anyhow, that doesn’t stop me from going back. Cause what? Cause I’m forever a homie person.

Just to tell y’all, I had 4 days of holiday back in January during Chinese New Year if I’m not mistaken. On Thursday, I took a bus ride at 9 pm on Friday from Kuantan and reached home approximately at 4 am. It was a tiring one. I quickly take a nap when I reached home because on the same day at 9 am, we were going to Kedah for a wedding ceremony and stayed there for one night. Guess what? I went there with a weak body and dark eye bags underneath my eyes. So yea, 2 days of long journey so far. Next, on Saturday we went back home in Ipoh (again another 4-5 hours journey) *sigh*. On Sunday then, as early as 10 am, I headed back to Kuantan :') Guys, 4 days of holiday were basically spent on the road hahaha. Jet lag much? Aw yea.

It turned out that I fell sick on the next day and I skipped my first 2 classes on Monday. I don't know why every time I have a long journey, I'll fall sick lol. Anyhow, it got better Alhamdulillah. At the moment though, I have also an infection at my toe. It's just because I had to play tennis in the rain during a competition and yea, because of that, my shoes were soaked with water so I got that infection because of that. Thank God it got better roughly after 2 months. Lmao guys, dont ever wear wet shoes cause it's easier for them, fungi to infect your feet or even your body. I regretted so much.

Despite those tiring days, that doesn't stop me from continuing to go back home as frequent as possible haha. Okay till then. I'll update my life soon. Bye Assalamualaikum.

Two Basic Rules

Told ya. It's 2nd of March already. So fast. Today marks the last day of our second block, and I have 3 days of examination from 12th-14th March. So yea. Meanwhile, I forgot that i have another 1 class in the evening at 3. *sigh* Why though? And to add, even though next week is a 'study week', but still I have 2 UNGS classes to be attended. *sigh again* It's basically like Islamic thingy.

Okay, what i am going to talk right now is basically the thing that has crossed my mind a moment ago. Guilt. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling guilty because once you felt it, you'd not be at ease until the moment you confront to that person. I lied. To. Someone. So, that's the thing, that's the problem. It's between you say the bitter truth or you speak the sweet lie. And a moment ago, I chose the sweet lie. I realise that i shouldnt do that but for the sake of both parties, it is a yes.

So, thats the thing. Secondly, it's about how you accept someone's advice. It's either two; You take it, or you leave it. But in the end, it depends on your decision. Someone's advice or counsel doesnt necessarily have to be the solution, but it is just a guide for you to make decision. So, yea ive been thinking about this quite a while, when I receive someone's opinion and when I give opinion. When people tend to not listen to you, I just realise that it is their right because, who are you to dictate them on whatever they do. Thats the thing. And when I receive somebody's point of view, you cant expect me to digest and do everything that you suggest, because life works like that.

Whatever it is, March is going to be an amazing month. I am mentally and physically ready for all the blessings that I know is coming my way. Assalamualaikum :)

1 am

Is it common for a person to always feel like what he/she is doing is not working . It means that the end of every single thing that she does is a failure. Why so? I aint questioning the fate given by Him, but i just wonder, is it because of myself, on how i deal with people, how i bring up myself to the public. Maybe yes, maybe it’s just a test from Allah. I dont know.

Basically, maybe people think im such an-always-mad-kinda-person but truthfully, i aint mad. Sometimes, im just pissed off of what ive been treated. Know the fact that im kinda emotional, so im not the type of a person who confronts everyone. But i will just a give a silent treatment cause i dont wanna let it to get worse. But little did i know, the key to every problem is communication. So why cant we talk and settle down everything ey? It’s like a hanging end. No one wants that. So do i. I just dont like to have a fight with people and not resolving it then when you accidentally meet them, you will feel super awkward and you will cringe and then you will make your resting bitch face then they will call you fake or mah whatever, you can predict by yourself.

So yea basically, what can i say is, im not a good person. Ive always caused a trouble with people, since i was in my primary school, perhaps. Yeah, with that bye see ya.

1.11 am

care to read?

It's 12.22 a.m., Thursday morning. I felt like I wanna do a vlog but since I'll be emotionally speaking in the video, lets call it a day. So, basically, Im just gonna write in here.

This day, today, just now, and right now, at the moment, I am experiencing a total mental breakdown. In the old days, I didnt even know the causes of me, being breakdown. But now, I knew it. Mix of problems and overthinking stuffs. I've never felt like this before. I dont know how to describe it, but it seems that my heart has been crumbled, my brain feels like exploding, my tears come pouring down, my body is shaking, muscle cramps, basically, everything is not fine. I wanna cry to someone's shoulder, I wanna express everything but that person is not here. That person is like so unknown?? I dont know mayn, I dont wanna tell my mom about this cause she'll be worried sick. I dont want that to happen.

1) I just got my exam result. It isnt good at all. I'm disappointed with myself. I felt stupid and dumb and slow.

2) It is just so hard to fathom and memorize the lectures, Im so slow that i cannot even understand it. And i start to cry whenever I cant digest something in the lecture notes, like just now.

3) Tomorrow is gonna be a meeting with my mentor. I dont mind, cause I wanna tell what i feel to my mentor. But, we go in groups, the mentees. I dont want that. Im the stupidest among them, so for sure I'll be terribly looking like an idiot for getting the worst result, twice (plus the previous minitest). So, i overthink about it on how am i going to avoid from going with them. I want to meet my mentor personally. It's like privacy huh??

4) Homesick strikes. I miss my mom. I miss my family. I wanna go home. I wanna forget about all these things for a while. These are just too many for me to endure. My body is getting week. My brain is getting weak.

5) Tennis competition is gonna be on Friday evening. Im not even ready. I suck at it. It pressures me a lot since everyone else is good, and im lacking in it. I look like a friggin newbie (well it's true) but im the worst. Im so scared. Im scared that ill be having panic attack. Im nervous.

6) I want people to text me good 'things' everyday. I want to be received such meaningful and good quotes, poems, or any good vibes. It helps me in enduring my day. How to tell that person in order to be doing that?

7) Im just tired of everything. My sleeping schedule is going madly crazy right now, I sleep whenever i feel tired. Even in the class, in between maghrib and isya. Everything is just so tiring.

So, to whoever has read this, I, humbly beg you guys to pray for me, to be able to endure all these things successfully. It's too much to ask, but I am in need of supports and motivation. Thanks, Asslamualaikum :)

It Will Pass

It's dark and cold

I took out my long striped pants, my old shabby long sleeves t-shirt, and a pair of Alain Delon socks

I wore them all

Earpods inserted in, music's playing, I felt calm at the moment

The sorrow went away

The pain flew away

I sang along, danced along, imagining that I was the heroine in the music video

"Oh we made quite a mess babe, It's probably better off this way", I muttered the lyrics

"And I wish I could run to you, and I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do"

This hit right in my heart

My heart skipped a beat

The feeling is surreal

I denied, and I changed the song, to stop me from overthinking

I turned off my phone, getting rid of the distraction

The evilest kind of intrusion

I took out my antibody notes

I tried to read it

"FAB region is the antigen binding site"

I thought, it's kind of easy

I continued reading

It's getting harder and harder

It seemed that I haven't learn a thing

It seemed blank

I realized, I was such a slow reader, slow learner

Everybody was 10 steps ahead of me

I was still on the first week's lecture note

And we were just getting ready to start our week 4

It knocked my heart and my conscience 

"Do I deserve to be here?"

"Do I deserve to take somebody else's place?"

I shed my tears with the end of my t-shirt's sleeves

I felt weak and delicate

I took back my cellphone

And 'All Falls Down' started to play in my head

It's midnight

I checked my notification on my cellphone

Nothing was up

I bet, perhaps it was the wifi

I refreshed again and again

Nothing

The moment that I felt down

The moment that I was at my worst

The moment that I needed help

The moment that I needed shoulder to cry on

The moment that I needed ears to spill to

No one was there 

No one asked, "How's your day?"

No one asked, "Are you okay?"

I threw away my phone

The tension was there, but I was not that strong to let it all out

I was not a fan of attention

I chose to be introverted

I remained silent 

I turned off the lights

It was my favorite part of the day

Keeping myself in my mom's cold fluffy old blanket 

Changing the fan level to the slowest

I lay down on my bed with a soft pink bed sheet on it

I tried to close my eyes

I tried

But I kept on overthinking of the consequences 

Of what would happen next

"What's next, what's next?", I murmured 

It disturbed my mind

I  got up and stood on my feet

I took my ablution

I spread my praying mat

I know it's the perfect remedy for my bad day

In the last sujood, I made dua'

I spoke my loved ones' names'

I told God how I was feeling

I told God how I was struggling 

I told God how I have been tormenting

And I told God, 

Why was I thinking this way

Why was I acting like a child

Why couldn't I remain patient

I know He would answer my prayers

Sooner or later

Thus that put me in ease

At the end of the day

I realized one thing
It was just a bad day, not a bad life
I thought, 

When we are stranded at our lowest point

The turning point is 

Get back to God

Pray and make dua'

Make dua'

And make dua'

Later I realized

God had answered my prayers one by one

I didn't even realise that

Until I tried to solve the puzzles

It was done

That was it

I might could not memorise the way that led to it

But I knew it was already done, beautifully

It shall pass

It will pass

Leaving 2017

Assalamualaikum! It's Put! :)

First off, I truly can't believe that tomorrow is seriously 2018 in which I really dont know what I'm supposed to aim. I believe that everybody has their own so-called-goals to be achieved perhaps in future, but Im not sure yet what am i looking for, next. Maybe I could recall some good and bad memories that had happened in this year so I could like improve myself or you know, just get rid of those unnecessary things and people of my life. I've been through so many ups and downs and I know Im really really strong enough that I cant even imagine that Im here, successfully getting through all this struggle and challenges. It's a lot but anyway, been there, done that. hee~

10 things I love about  '17:

1)  Being a truly adult in which I took a 5 am train from Ipoh to PJ, and I got class at 9 am, and the train has some technical problems so it took longer than I thought. So, at KL Sentral, I took the lrt alone to LRT  University, then I took an uber ALONE risking everything, and reached my uni at 9 something. Then, I got a text from my classmate the 9 am class has been cancelled. Then, I suddenly thought, Allah's plan is always, and always beautiful and perfect. Never thought that the train I took could be in a problem, but it was! But, it turned out to be like that. Felt lucky and grateful enough and I realised that I was, and still am an adult now. I did everything on my own. My mom just dropped me at the train station and didnt wait for me cause I asked for it. I think that's how my confidence was built up. Alhamdulillah, I learnt one thing at the end of the day.

2) One of the hardest part in my third semester was I had a fight like seriously, a silent treatment with my own roommie. Could you imagine, you dont talk to your roommie who stays in the same room as yours. I never imagined that before, but anyhow it happened. I swear it was really tormenting that I have to keep on being silent and it was super duper awkward. Well, girl's fight is the worst haha! But I believe that i was matured enough that I dont, you know, like posting, mocking her in any of my social medias cause I know, thats a sin. The worse is, everybody knows that youre spreading bad things about her. Nope, I didnt do that. But, less than a week, we're back together. It was in the afternoon, when we're performing zuhr prayer side by side (even though we didnt talk). So, like after dua', I hugged her and cried and said i dont want to be like this like FOR REAL, STOP TORTURING ME HAHA. Then, it was normal then lol. I think just to be good back with your friend, it just takes only one person to start it all back. As easy as that, just do it. You will regret it later if you dont start first. With that, I feel proud of myself though heee~

3) Lectures are actually fun when your classmates are all crazy and fun to be with! Alhamdulillah, my cfs classmates were all good and kind and funny and bizarre hahaha. Honestly, I really miss those moments cause they are the best people of my life. Getting to know them is really a bless for me. I could easily mix and mingle around with new people cause they're all kind. If there's an option for me to choose to travel to the past, I might choose that particular time. I couldnt state all their names here, but you are all in my mind, my heart, and my dua' insyaAllah.

4) Foundation ended there. I felt so proud of myself that I could endure all those hectic weeks and months. Alhamdulillah again. My study was quite good, my result is satisfying. That was when I decided to apply for changing my course to Medicine. Thank God, Ive been called for the interview. And I passed it! I realized that Allah's plan is always the best! I never ever thought of being a medical student, even a doctor. But, right we could never know what's gonna happen in the future. Allah has answered my prayers one by one. And this is it. My truly dream since the first day I entered my primary school. "I want to be a doctor because I like to help people", I told my teacher and all my friends when I was in standard one. The reason is cliche haha but I honestly want to help people. It feels great when you can ease people around. It feels soothing. With that, here I am in IIUM Kuantan as a first year medical student. But still, full of challenges and tests from Him. I just hope that I can patiently endure these, and be stronger and stronger to be one, Ameen.

5) I'm blessed with good friends, or should I call em' crazy besties? Yeah. My roommies are all good and they are just like me. Waji, Iman, and Yana. You break their heart, Ill break yours. lol. I aint kidding. These people where I can tell them everything, even the smallest lil stupid thing, the most embarrassing thing, the dirty secret thing, the most hambar joke, the fart that you spread, the crush, basically EVERYTHING. They will respond to it, and laugh even at the non-funny part. lmao, I could just laugh at their laughs. My classmates, especially, Anis, Laila, Nad and Fiq. Thank you so much for bringing me into your life, your circle of friends. Why are you guys so intelligent?! *cries* Thanks for helping me a lot in my study, especially anatomy and biochem. Honestly, they are not my  forte. I couldnt repay your kindness now, but InsyaAllah you guys are in my dua', always. :) Not to forget my cfs roommates, Aimi, Fatin, Tiqah, Nira, and Shaf. I swear you guys are the craziest people alive! Hahaha. Those last days that we had in cfs pj were indeed, days to remember. Crazy isnt it? One more thing, my best classmates since my first sem and up till sem 3, Nazira and Irfan. Haha? Why cant you guys go awayyyy from my life HAHAHA just kidding. Im totally grateful that you guys were always with me during my struggling phases. You guys are indeed the BEST. Thank you every single each of you. :)

6) Fam bam. Fam stands for family. I dont know whats for bam. Anyhow, of course, everybody would say 'my family is the best'. Yes, me either. Who doesnt? But, honestly I feel truly honestly blessed with mine, they are all supportive. My cousins, my uncles and aunts. Alhamdulillah. We are soooooo close that we almost share everything among us, cousins. *wanna go back home right now can ah?*. As for my cute little family, my mama. She's a strong woman, and indeed the strongest woman in the world, who raised us 4 siblings by her own. *tears welled up*. She worked very hard for all of us, to find rezq, to make us happy. I cant repay her until the end. My siblings, huaaaa I just missed every single silly thing about them *perks of being away from home*. But whatever it is, Im thankful enough for this. Alhamdulillah.

7) Friends. Friends as in 'friends'. You know who you are. I couldnt mention your name here. But, if it fits, feel free to wear. Thank you for staying with me, for cheering me up, for getting into my life, for helping me, for willing to ask "are you ok?", "you good?", "hows it going?, "what do you eat for today?", "is everything ok?", "have you eaten?". Those soothing words are all the strength and positive vibes which are the happy pills in my life. Maybe in the future or somewhere around that we may like be away from each other because of the work loads, but just so you know, we're just good, and always good. I appreciate every single thing that you do, and you are always in my dua'.

8) To my BEST BEST friends, Syikin and Syafira. MasyaAllah, Ive never met someone like you guys!!!! You guys are like my reflection. I could find me in yourselves. Wallahi, Im so happy to have you guys in my life. I know that we could hardly meet each other, but of course, Ipoh connects us HAHA. We are like 15 minutes from each other in Ipoh, so yea, it's not even a problem kan?! To my primary school fellas, Sara, Zafirah, and Najah. wow, 14 years and up till now??!!!! I cant believe it. You guys are truly my soulmates. woi can we like proceed our 'singapore/japan trip' plan back? I'm broke right now, but in five years time, InsyaAllah. haha. *please do*

9) Thank you. I'm fine.

10) I love you.

Here's a link to one of my fav songs, hope you can listen to this too :) *read through out the lyrics then you'll get it*
New Years Day - Taylor Swift

p/s: Lol, i dont have much to say actually, but anyway, Happy 2018? xoxo, Putput. :)